"Size is an illusion!" I proclaim, standing on the table so all can see me. "It's the quality that makes a man! It's the inner strength that's important. Judge a man by his accomplishments and not my his plans. Your own Julius Caesar was no giant of a man, but look at what he accomplished."

*versicles by Marvin and responses by the I/X Legion*

Did David dodge old Goliath? Heck no!
Did Hannibal try to go 'round the Alps? Surely not!
Did Jonah quail before the whale? Never!

Then why should I shrink from an opponent who is merely twice my size? After all, most of the really sensitive areas are within easy reach of my sword. The bigger they are, the farther they fall. The more.....

My diatribe is interrupted by the arrival of our Legendary Legionary Messenger, none other than Mercurious, himself. He puffs and pants to a halt about three feet in front of me and crashes to the floor in a dead faint. I jump to the floor and pour the remains of my bowl of kash on Mercurious' head, in hopes of reviving him. My actions are immediately met with a major fit and a minor case of apoplexy from the one with the curly beard. The onliest thing that keeps him from lapping up the spill is the Fat Boy's grip on the back of his robes.

Ignoring these distractions, I grab the O-fishial Messenger Case and climb back up to the table. I break the decorative Easter seal and unroll the scroll. Everyone in the place crowds around behind me, so's they can read over my shoulder.

My Dearest Marvin,

I do hope this missive finds you alive and well and properly invested in fortifications near Babylon. My assignment for you and your redoubtable I/X Legion is a simple matter of rape, plunder and pillage... not necessarily in that order. It is my earnest and heartfelt desire that you sack the city of Babylon, posthaste, forthwith, and as soon as possible and practical.

I shall join you as soon as I am rid of this clingy Egyptian chick. Maybe I can pawn her off on one of my lieutenants? At any rate, those are your 'Marching Orders!

With fondest regards,
Julie the Impirator.

As I finish reading and look around, I realize all the locals are staring at me and holding their collective breath. "Not worry!" I tell them. "We can't start right away, 'cause he left out one of the most important details."

"What is that?" they breathe with a sigh of relief.

"He didn't say whether we wanted paper or plastic!"