King Vortigern Vorteneu, also known as: Gwrtheyrn in Wales, Wurtigernus in Latin, as well as superbus tyrannus by the Romans, lived from about 370 AD to 459 AD (Diantha Livius, acta article).

Vortigern did alot of pretty terrible things, or so history says, and who is going to argue with history. Certainly not me. First of all, lets take a look at what Vortigern did to take care of a bunch of toughs who were threatening to invade Britain from the north. What does Vortigern do? He knows a chick whose father had an army in Scandinavia and invites them to come over, the trade is simple. Vortigern will get to marry Rowena, and her father will get land in Kent.

First Tip of Survival: Trust No Woman!

Well, Vortigern trusted this woman, and let us just say that he was whipped. He got in good with his in-laws, Hengist and Horsa, and they devised a little plan. They would invite all of the chiefs of Britain over for a party. Sounds like a good idea, doesn't it? But someone has different ideas than just a hearty homecoming. Once all the chiefs met in this hall, the Saxons, Hengist and Horsa, locked the doors and they all took knives out of their boots and killed the chiefs. Only Vortigern was able to escape.

Tip#2: If a bunch of dudes pull out knives, run as fast as you can.

Vortigern seemed to make a right move after this. He tried to get in good with the locals. Well, it didn't really go the way he had planned. According to Geoffrey of Monmouth, Vortigern had built a castle in Snowden, but it kept sinking. So he asked his advisors why it was falling down. They said that he had to ask some little bastard that hung out downtown who knew the answer. So they went and grabbed this kid off the street who all the kids called a bastard, and took him to his castle (bad idea, as Leonardo da Vinci and Michael Jackson would soon find out later).

The boy's name was Aurelianus, or Merlin, whichever you decide to call him. The advosors brought Merlin to Vortigern's castle and Merlin said that there were two dragons that fought underneath the castle and it needed to be dug up and the the dragons killed. One was red and one was white. So Vortigern dug it up, killed the dragons, and built his castle. Only this would lead to his demise.

Survival tip #3: Never believe little bastards.

It was to come later that Aurelius Ambrosius (Merlin or someone like him) attacked the castle and lit it on fire. Vortigern died in a fiery blaze.

Survival tip #4: Stay on wet areas like lakes so you won't get caught on fire, unless you want to die in a fiery blaze.

Well, I hope this helped you all with questions you might have had on how to survive in the ancient world. Stay tuned for my next entry of How to stay alive in the ancient world.