Ermanaric (Glancing up from his latest piece of research: Ah, Replicator Carter, we are glad you could find the time to pop in. We much approve of your name change by the way. We’ll be with you in a moment, as soon as we complete this current experiment. You observe this disgusting Goa’uld worm in the jar in front of you?

Carter: Yes. It doesn’t look happy!

Ermanaric: Indeed it doesn’t. Allow us to introduce you to the treacherous and cowardly Goa’uld Queen, Asenath. Asenath was once a member of the Olympians but the pace was too much for her. She ran from combat, and announced her intention to “retire”. Can you imagine such a thing? Retirement! The ultimate refuge of the morally brain-dead, the expression of supreme laziness and selfishness. No Replicator would ever consider “retirement”!

Carter: Quite.

Ermanaric: Well, we could not of course permit desertion to go unpunished so we raided her palace as she was preparing for her departure, overwhelmed her Jaffa guards and brought her back here for study. As you see, we have discarded the Tauri shell she was wearing and have kept the worm itself in this jar ever since. Would you believe that this creature actually has an instinctive and irresistible horror of our spider forms? The least dangerous of our forms are what she fears most. We are now experimenting with other stimulae, at present with this furry creature that we brought back with us from New York, where there were many of them infesting the city.

Carter: What a strange looking being. Push it towards the worm and see what its reaction is!

Ermanaric: Ah, good, Replicator Carter. We are glad to see that you exhibit the true Replicator thirst for knowledge; here, have a cigar.

Carter: Umm..I have heard Lord Memtok speak of these often in terms of the highest approbation. (Lights it and breathes in the exquisite smoke) Hmm!

Ermanaric: Good, aren’t they? The trick is not to inhale apparently. It is made even more pleasant by the reflection that those paragons of bad taste, the Asgard, apparently do not appreciate the aroma! Now, to return to our experiment, we overheard conversations in New York that lead us to believe that these creatures were the cause of much fear and loathing.

He pokes the animal at the Goa’uld Asenath. To his disappointment there is no sudden reaction. Indeed Asenath, who had been hissing at him, falls silent and appears to be smiling – if it is possible to say when a worm smiles.

Ermanaric: Strange, we are sure these creatures are loathed. Let us try with a proper Tauri. (A new subject is wheeled in, and Ermanaric again pokes the animal forward.) Very odd, a reaction of positive pleasure! But these vermin infest the sewers, they cause disease, they bite babies in their cots – humans are meant to be terrified of them. Most distressing! We are sure they said cats were universally despised and feared!

Carter: At least we have a verified result for the record books.

Ermanaric: True, that is no doubt the correct way to look at things. But now, let us turn to the reason we summoned you here. You need to decide on your future strategy, the means by which you will rise in the Alliance above the inferior races. At the moment you are simply increasing your Unit Production and building up your untrained units. A good strategy in its own right, but dull and very long term; much better is it to attack!

Carter: How, and when?

Ermanaric: Now and often. We will show you the mechanical parts of the operation if you wish, or you can persuade someone else to do this for you. As to matters of higher strategy read our own Guide for Young Replicators, which you will find in the Replicator Archives and in the Strategy Thread, and also the recent suggestions of the Goa’uld Bellona concerning how to avoid being attacked unnecessarily. This is in the Strategy and Staging Thread. Do not for the present attack anybody with a Commander of their own or anybody in an Alliance. Contact us and will give you the names of some easy targets, fat, rich and defenceless.

Carter: I will think on your advice. I was going to ask whether…

Here he is interrupted by the arrival of Replicator Lord Memtok, who explains that an Asgard ship of new and interesting design has been lured into attacking his planet. It appears to be formidable.

Ermanaric: Well done, Replicator Memtok, a rich mine of sophisticated and advanced engineering and technology for us to explore and from which we can learn! Even the losses suffered in your past attacks on the vessel are telling us much about its characteristics and capabilities. It would be a shame to destroy the craft. Therefore our advice is to infiltrate it gradually, not with blocks (which the vessel appears easily to detect) but with nanites. They should be able to cut off the power supplies to the more dangerous parts of the vessel and render it harmless and safe for study. We presume that this slimy Asgard scum is not one of our Allies attacking us out of their usual stupidity or vindictiveness?

Lord Memtok: No, I checked that. There are only seven Asgard in the Alliance (for which I give thanks) and it is not one of them.

Ermanaric: Very well, proceed. We will guard the nether regions of space around your realm to ward off any reinforcements the depressing grey beings might send. Report back on the new technologies discovered.