The year was 5 BC, and the emperor Augustus had commissioned scribes from all parts of the empire to write on the history of her many provinces. In Rome one man was directed to tell the tale of the Romans. His name was Pertinacius Contrarius. For a year he worked on his history with fervor, but when his story was uncovered by one of Augustus' men, it was burned and Pertinacius was forced to shovel stercus in the Subura for the rest of his life. By miraculous fortune, in a recent digging in the heart of Rome (an ancient refuse heap), a copy of this misguided man's history was recovered and we now know why the emperor was so inclined to discredit his pseudoscholarship. Not all remains, but here are some revealing portions:



"Some would claim that I have wasted my time in my studies by reading the wrong books. This is not so, for it is obvious by the number of hidden controversies and revisions to the misguided and simpleminded established history that I am correct."

"...and it was said that indeed the Gauls are the descendants of the Romans, for obviously they use the same shields and weapons as our brave alae. Further, it can be seen that the wild tattoos and screams of their charge are really related to the rites and rituals of our augurs. Augury came from Aegyptus, where..."


"By this time Marius was quite friendly with Sulla, and they thought it a fun game to wage civil war in Rome for there were no enemies left to fight. This is quite obvious, for they had exactly 1,029,827 bushels of wheat left to eat, and lest they spoil in the guts of rats they should ferment in the guts of men for this is the only way to win a war. Sulla was recorded as saying: 'Give me five pack mules for every legion and I will give you..."

"...which was caused by a controversy by a certain tribune with a predilection for little boys. He was a cavalry commander of great skill, and it was said he could joust with his lance the tiniest dangling ring in stern competition. It was this one who wished to promote his zesty homogenous love by spinning a tale of..."