As you can plainly see, Allynne is in DESPERATE need of your help. Her brainless little cranium didn't even notice that my tuxedo is now POWDER BLUE, as I mentioned a bit earlier. BUT...she can be taught...with your help...

If you'll all remember, she originally thought she was some Belgae woman, but with your generous donations, she's finally realized that she is indeed Allynne Durotriges. Ah, the poor wee girl.

Ladies and gentlemen, as a huge "thank you" for your continued support of our favorite Celtic nincompoop (that would be Allynne), we've garnered a very special guest for you...

Now we all now that Elton John has been knighted, so he's Sir Elton John...which is exactly why there was no way in hell he would agree to do this. However, we HAVE gotten a, uh...friend of his. His name is Bernie Elton. He likes to sing Elton's songs.

In his own way.

Ladies and gentlemen, BERNIE ELTON!

A white baby grand piano is trussled out onto the stage, followed by a short, balding man wearing sunglasses fringed with four and a half feet of fuschia boa feathers. He's wearing platform sandals and purple satin plum-smuggler hot pants. He is shirtless.

He sits at the piano, and begins playing beautifully - the opening chords of an Elton John classic...

Blue jean goomba, New Yawk goomba, former taxi drivuh...

Vacant eyed, toothy smile, you're hardly a music man...

Not a dansuh, don't wanna see yuh, dancin' in the sand

God, he's on my TV, in syndication, Tony Danza on my set..

Hold me closer, Tony Danzaaaaa

I bet you banged that Judith Light chick...

You laid her down in sheets of linen

Allysa Milano took the pictures...

Suddenly, and without warning, a 20 foot by 20 foot block of steel drops from the ceiling, weith the words "16 tons" painted on it in huge, white letters. It crushes the man and his song utterly. Culann trudges back out, the color drained from his face...

Eehhhh...thank you...for dropping that weight from the ceilingohmanwearesogonnagetsuedand ending that song, because it's...uh...it's time for an update from Angus! I mean Corny! I mean...uh..someone help me?