They almost, almost got me with the Calpurnia scene at the end. But after all that rushed business leading up to it, it was about 4-hours-including-commercials too late for me to get wrapped up in the love story.

Here's a repost of my blow-by-blow review. Maybe I'll sober up in the morning and pull the post. All that vermouth, goes right to my head.

(7:34 pm) Tonight's Installment
Caesar has passed beyond plain awful into laughable. It might just turn out to be a fun movie after all. Not in the way the filmmakers intended, of course.

The battle scenes disintegrate immediately into disorganised melee. If there was a single proper battle formation in there, or even a pair of Romans sticking together, I didnt see it. Apparently the soldiers didn't take to heart Caesar's less-than-rousing speech about how discipline distinguishes them from the enemy. Gladiator, after a brilliant beginning pitting the mechanised Roman army against the German tribal warriors, collapsed into cinematic running-about, too, so at least Caesar is in good company.

Even as I type, Marc Antony is addressing the rabble. "Why does Caesar stay in Gaul? Why does he live in a tent?" Why is Marc Antony's speech so poorly written and badly delivered? Why is this small-in-stature and small-in-presence actor cast as Antony? Why is the rabble roused by him? They must know Antony's parties always have the best booze. I could use a cup of Roman vermouth myself. Maybe they'll flash Chris Noth's manly upper arms again.

(7:43 pm) Play-by-play coverage
Next missed opportunity: Showing what a real Triumph looked like. That's the historical nitpicker in me complaining. The movie-watching nitpicker in me says, "This bland scene is the best you could come up with? And does Jeremy Sisto have an upset stomach or something?"

The actor playing Brutus seems to have a bit more presence than the poor dope in the role of Antony. I will probably wait until after the movie is over to make any more comments, though. My brain has been pummelled into a stupor.

(8:39 pm) Maybe I can switch to Everybody Loves Raymond
And then you reach the point where you're just thinking, Kill him already. You don't have to wait for the Ides....

(9:18 pm) The final assessment
Frankly, I don't know why those responsible didn't bother to do a better—and more entertaining—job with this, other than they just didn't care. All manner of small and large details—historical, visual, cultural—are not so much dispensed with as overlooked; one gets the distinct feeling research (the sort that anyone with a library card could have done), was not a priority. It was clearly kept to a minimum far below the level of those silly, fantasised epic movies of yore. And that is what sinks this miniseries so utterly. A "can't be bothered" attitude toward details that would have enlivened the visuals, a "doesn't matter" attitude toward presenting coherent battles, a "good enough" attitude toward producing a cohesive plot that presents developing characters rather than set pieces imparting little snippets of basic information. "Pompey is grieving; Caesar is crossing the Rubicon; Cleopatra is holding a baby; Portia is vexed; Calpurnia is frantic." A collection of info points doesn't make an story.

Oh, a hint of something almost arises: in the smoke and muddle meant to represent one of Caesar's key battles, he can be seen riding through the undisciplined mess, his deep-red cloak flying behind him, a protective squadron of men in formation around him (okay, no, not really, but at least they're nearby, sort of). What a breathtakingly balletic scene that could have been. Instead: he's here, he's there, sort of, there's some smoke, people hit other people, soldiers mill around, the soundtrack mills around, you wonder if that guy over there is Jon Pertwee's son because you heard he's in this movie, you wonder where Caesar is running away so fast to, and were those stirrups on that horse?

It would be ungracious of me to mention that a great many of the actors had accents that overwhelmed their lines. As I am not feeling gracious this evening, I will mention it. A great many of the actors had accents that made key parts of their dialogue nigh incomprehensible. And, to be fair, I should include the Americans who occasionally slipped into British tones (because, as everyone knows, ancient Romans speak with British accents, or at least Hollywood-British).

The rushed ending seems to indicate the creators somehow thought this might be a love story. Rather than a vague, meandering, zombie fest.

Hopefully there will nonetheless be enough positive buzz—thanks to the presence of the late Richard Harris, the "this looks grand if you've never seen better" sets, and Chris Noth's formidable glares—that this miniseries won't destroy hope for a trend of ancient epics, but will stir up a few more entries in the genre.

Nertz. Maybe the DVD will have extra footage of Chris Noth in the Roman baths....

all these images from Caesar © 2003 Turner Network Television