I was writing up comments about the Caesar miniseries on my own website and LiveJournal (I have been peer-pressured into getting a LiveJournal account ::sigh::), when I realised that if I really want to grumble, I should be doing it here, at home in Rome.

Spoiler Warning One: Contains a very mild 28 Days Later spoiler in the last paragraph; if you've read any other review of that film, you already know this one.

Spoiler Warning Two: Something bad happens to Caesar at the end of the miniseries. Oh no!

My main assessment: "I once read a bowdlerised history book, saw a swords-and-sandals movie, and read a 1960s Ancient Rome pulp novel! I'll use these skills to write a miniseries about Julius Caesar!"

Chris Noth may have been born to play Pompey—I mean, look at that profile, that thick shock of hair—but not even his manly arms can save this one from the silly dialogue, fantasised view of history, and confused production values. If it were sword-and-sandals flick length with a rousing Miklós Rósza-Dimitri Tiomkin-Alfred Newman-Bernard Herrmann score, it might be as fun as one of those Technicolor Cinemascope movies I love so much (The Robe, Alexander the Great, Last Days of Pompeii, Victor Mature, Peter Ustinov chewing up the creased-matte-painting-scenery while Rome burns in Quo Vadis, the Joaquin Phoenix parts of Gladiator). Instead, it takes a very long time pretending it's watchable (four hours including commercials, all told—although it's more than the commercial interruptions that kills the S&S vibe), with leaden performances and dialogue that seems written on the idea that repeating things counts as dagger-sharp repartee.

"Strangle him."
"No."
"You will strangle him."
"Nuh uh."
"Then, you strangle him."
"Uhm."
"Strangle him."
"I won't strangle him."
"You will strangle him."
"Nope."
"Strangle him! Strangle him! Strangle him!"

At no point do the actors appear to be enjoying themselves in their Roman get-up, treading the paths beaten out by Richard Burton and Kirk Douglass and Fredric March. Even Christopher Walken seems stymied by his role as Cato (and whose idea was it to cast Christopher Walken, of all people, as Cato?). Richard Harris, in his final performance, is given some of the... I just have to say it... stupidest lines ever written for a tunics-and-togas costume epic. Jeremy Sisto plays Caesar—I haven't read any of the previous post here about him yet—although in most of his scenes I tended to forget he was there. And it isn't over yet. Part II comes on tonight. Is everyone planning to watch?

Ah well, I'm helpless—I heart Chris Noth, I'll follow Detective Logan anywhere.

Frankly, I think we'd all be better off spending the evening at the theatre watching 28 Days Later, where at least the zombies are part of the story, not a by-product of the script and direction.