To Egypt with Love
(and Smelling Salts)
by the Mad Strigiler

The Dei of AncientWorlds were casting lots to determine which would be sent to the Russian front would become Egypt's official helper Goddess. After spending several evenings drowning her sorrows in Heraklia's wine cellar, the lovely and talented Julilla Sempronia Magna emerged, toting a half-empty amphora. Although she was still a tad hung-over, a look of pure determination painted her delicate facial features. As she packed a few necessities into her (motorcycle) saddlebags, Julilla's comrades looked on.

"Go get 'em, Sissy!" Tante Cornellia cheered, chainsaw in hand, "Remember.. that-there amphora is half-full!"

"Riiiiiiiight..... Egypt...... full o' what?" Heraklia knowingly chuckled, playfully elbowing Cornellia.

Unfettered, Mama J hopped onto her faithful steed 'Queen Bee' and fired that matrona up. "I've got it covered... girls," she countered, twisting the black leather throttle grip in her fist. Gunning her Magna's powerful engine, she sent the bike into a dramatic tailspin, showering everyone with pebbles and dust. As she sped swiftly out of sight, all that remained behind was a massive dust cloud.

But something happened on the way to Egypt.

Somewhere between the Villa Rabarbarossa and Caesar's Palate, the road narrowed, eventually becoming just a narrow path. Strange twisted trees and other foreign foliage closed in on either side, making progress difficult. Navigating the pits and rises with the skill of a seasoned rider, our resolute Goddess remarked, "No matter what, I won't stop now."

Of course just then, the skies opened up. It was (quite literally) raining cats and dogs.

*FRAU! FRAU! wuff-wuff-wuff-wuff-wuff   FRAU! FRAU!*

'MMMmmmmmmmmaaaaauuuBbbbbbbaaaaassssssssstttttttttttttttttt...'   the clouds seemed to rumble.

Our heroine looked to the sky and shook her fist, not noticing a swamp lay just ahead....

*Ker~Spluckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk*

Dang it.

As she stood in the mire, wringing out her favorite pair of deerskin gloves, Julilla thought she heard a familiar voice giggle from somewhere beyond, "Welcome to the deepest ditchwater,*snicker*. "

"Why I oughta......" Julilla grumbled at the smoggy bog, disgusted.

Taking up the slop-coated handlebars once more, Julilla proceeded to push her beloved bike through the muck. Just then, a blood-curdling scream rang out! (No strike that too..)  Just then, the call of the wild rang out! But what was it? Ape or man? Wiping the slime from her eyes, the Goddess turned her gaze upward and squinted, straining to see.

There... suspended from a jungle Vine, swinging through the treetops with his biceps bulging and loincloth all a-flutter, was the most remarkable specimen of a human male Julilla had ever beheld. With the grace of an angel and the strength of Samson, he swooped down over the marsh, plucking her up-up-up from the quag, pressing her body firmly against his own, and whisking her off to safety.

After an indeterminable time spent at places unknown (quite possibly within a well-appointed tree house), the two found themselves at the edge of an Ancient highway. Our freshly-bathed Goddess turned to her he-man and sighed, "Thank you kind sir for getting me out of that mess.. and for the, erm... bath too, but now I simply must get to Egypt."

The behemoth male nestled his head affectionately on her silken shoulder.
"METE SAVE JUNGLE GODDESS."

Off in the distance, the distinct sound of an approaching vehicle could be heard. A few minutes later, it appeared.

"Well.. guess that's my new ride," Julilla said to the man, as she climbed into the XVIII-wheeler's cab. Not long thereafter, Goddess Julilla Sempronius arrived in Alexandria. Having traded in her tasteful Roman regalia and muted makeup

for the typical Egyptian garish face-paint and skimpy skivvies, she emerged from the confines of her truck. The scent of Egypt.. or rather, 'them Smelly Egyptians', immediately invaded her perky Roman nostrils.

The End?
(Not!)

Julilla's new Egyptian attendants unloaded the remainder of her XVIII-wheeler's contents. Mysteriously, it had been packed from front to back with thousands of tiny blue glass bottles containing Roman smelling salts.

The End