Pussy hygiene: How to give your Pussy a bath

Many people think pussies are clean animals, equating the feline oral fixation with sanitation. We do not know what you call an animal that spends its time having its body tongued, but where we come from, we do not call it sanitary. Dirty and perverse, perhaps, but not sanitary.

Pussies, like dust mops, are fuzzy and collect loose dirt. Licking at the filth only gives them unbearable breath and coats the color of mud, which means bathing at least once a week.

Now, it is well-known how pussies feel about water. They don't mind looking, but they hate to touch. There are many documented cases of pussies falling into water-filled bathtubs and escaping without getting wet.

Herewith, then, is a simple guide to giving your pussy a bath, which, if followed to the letter, will result in a great deal of pain and disappointment for everyone.

STEP ONE: Fill the bathtub with scalding water. By the time you get your pussy into the tub, the water temperature will be comfortable. If not, having your pussy neutered will no longer be a problem.

STEP TWO: Lay out all the supplies you are going to need: soap, sponge, washcloth, scrub-brush, iodine, gauze, band-aids, vaseline, rubber gloves, plunger, whip, chair, pistol, mace, and a pussy dictionary turned to the phrase: "Mommy, mommy, mommy." Pray.

STEP THREE: Now it's time to get your pussy's confidence. Take it to a movie, buy it a malted; treat it to an all-night session at a people house. Talk to it quietly; pet it on the neck, and show it pictures of chickens. Then, when your pussy is good and relaxed, when its mind is at ease, and it's purring and drowsy and content, strike it in the forehead with a monkey wrench.

STEP FOUR: Carry the limp pussy to the tub and place it gently on a bath mat. Working quickly, smear the sides of the tub with vaseline so the pussy will not be able to claw its way out once immersed.

Test the temperature of the water by holding the pussy's head in the shallow end. This will do two things. It will revive your pussy. It will invest it with the fear of God.

STEP FIVE: Put your pussy completely in the water. This is sometimes done more easily by placing a jukebox on the bridge of its nose. Stroke your pussy gently during what will be a first few seconds of berserk insanity. If it does not calm down after a few moments, smack it sharply in the groin.

STEP SIX: Try stroking your pussy with a soapy sponge. If your pussy is still a bit tense and indicates its discomfort by, say, opening a running wound from your eyebrow to your elbow, dump a cup of laundry detergent into the water. Then, using an electric mixer, beat the water at medium speed, scraping the sides of the tub occasionally to make sure the pussy is evenly mixed.

When you finish, you will have a hairball the size of Cleveland.

STEP SEVEN:Using the same wrist action you would employ to throw a hard slider, snatch your soaked pussy from the water by taking its tail and whipping it smartly about your head until it is barely damp. Then throw it into a dryer with the controls set to "wool."

While your pussy is being fluff-dried, take two aspirin and have someone you love give you a back rub.

STEP EIGHT: Buy yourself a dog.

Your Pussy and your furniture

One of the biggest problems pussy owners have is what pussies do to furniture. They scratch it and tear it and rip the stuffing out of it. They lie on it and roll around on it and leave hairs all over it. They walk on it instead of walking on the floor and they bury little surprises behind the cushions and they think it is a swell place to leave hairballs.

No one has yet come up with a fool-proff solution to the problem, but there are some tried and true alternatives that do work. Sometimes.

Teaching Your Pussy to Respect Your Furniture: If you have an intelligent pussy, this is an approach that has a lot of merit. Bring home furniture catalogs and show your pussy that the couch it is currently tearing the stuffing out of is now selling for $1495 plus tax. Repeat the lesson for the end table with the gouges and the love seat with the vomit stain. If you do not seem to be getting through, bring out a catalog of pussy coffins and point how how much more inexpensive they are than your furniture. This has been known to kindle the light of understanding in more than one pussy.

Reasoning With Your Pussy: Sometime after dinner during the mellow part of the evening, invite your pussy into the library for some brandy and cigars. While you are both sitting and reflecting quietly about life, puffing on your Havanas and sipping your Hennessey Four-Star, trying not to look at the rip in your new $9000 leather arm chair, ask your pussy if it thinks it is fair for one of you to work and slave so that the other can spend its time destroying everything in the house. Talk rationally about the need for civility and respect for property. Say that you know things can be worked out if only certain pussies would try. Be sober and straightforward and sincere.

If that doesn't work, trick your pussy into tearing the "Do Not Remove This Tag Under Penalty of Law" tag off of the sofa, then turn in the hairy little bugger to the cops.

Sleeping with your Pussy

Pussies are warm and cuddly and generally fun to snuggle with. You probably know that already.

You probably also know that even though they are warm and cuddly sometimes they are not fun to sleep with. That is because they are nocturnal animals and like to wait until you are on the verge of sleep before starting to clean themselves and race around trying to catch their tails and dragging dead cigarette butts and other little surprises into bed to bury under the sheets.

And every time you wake up and try to catch them so you can throw them through the window they race under the bed and hide there until you give up and are on the verge of sleep again, then race out and begin all over.

When the hairy little beggar finally does settle down (usually about first light), it decides to do it in the exact middle of the bed so you cannot stretch your legs, or on your pillow so every time you roll over you get a mouthful of hairs.

But, hey, let's take it one problem at a time. Your first is getting your pussy to settle down.

Getting Your Pussy to Settle Down: Of course, the easy way out is to put sleeping pills into your pussy's midnight snack. In fact, short of wrapping your pussy in a size 11 black sock, this is the only way out. Do it. But don't let your pussy have a nightcap. Mixing the pills and alcohol could be dangerous.

Positioning Your Pussy: Once your pussy has settled down, you have to decide where to get it in bed. In the middle is no good and on the pillow is no good, both for reasons already mentioned. Under the pillow might be okay, except if the sleeping pill wears off before you wake up, pussy will think it is in an Edgar Alan Poe story and go bananas, probably clawing your face down to your brains in trying to escape. You do not want that to happen. Under the covers is no good for the same reason.

The only solution, really, is to buy a big basket and put a soft pad in it. You sleep in the basket and let pussy sleep wherever it wants.

Pussy Poo-Poo

Pussy poo-poo is the most unpleasant thing about having a pussy. It goes in as tuna and cream, but it comes out as something that's responsible for a lot of air freshener being sold.

But poo-poo is one of the unpleasant facts of life, like taxes and retro leisure suits, so you're just going to have to learn to deal with it.

Dealing With It: One thing about cats. They are creatures of habit. If a cat makes a poo-poo in a corner once, it will make poo-poos there for the rest of its life. So make sure your pussy starts poo-pooing where you want it to poo-poo, and not, say, in your loafers. Otherwise, you will spend a lot of time washing your socks.

Now, once your pussy starts to poo-poo, you'll want to put something under it to poo-poo into. Which brings us to ...

The Litter Box: Litter boxes come in two sizes, Too small and too large. The ones that are too smal force your pussy to make poo-poo and wee-wee over the sides of the box, thereby negating the box's worth. The ones that are too large look empty unless they have 25 lbs. of litter in them, thereby making your litter bill equivalent to your weekly food bill.

Litter boxes are made from three materials: plastic, which costs a whole lot more than you can imagine; cardboard, which sags when it gets wet; and foil, which pussies like to rip up so any excess fluids can escape. None solve the worst problem of the smell.

The Smell: There is nothing you can do about the smell. You can put an entire jumbo box of baking soda in with the litter if you want to find little white pussy tracks all over the house later. You can buy the most expensive clumping litter for multiple cat households, only to find that the cats they are talking about have been stuffed and mounted. You can try putting an enclosure — my favorite is a replica Taj Mahal — over the top of the litter box and thereby release all the smell at once every time you change the litter. You can even try putting perfume in pussy's food. It won't work either. Just resign yourself to the fact that you can never have guests in your home again.

When to Change the Litter: Since you yourself will have long lost your own sense of smell, you should look for indications for when it's time to change the litter. Are insects dropping from the air? Is your pussy spending a lot of time with its legs crossed because its too disgusted to go in there again? Have they tacked a "Quarantined" sign to the side of your house?

Alternatives; Teach your pussy to use the toilet. You, thereafter, use the toilet at the corner gas station.

Have your pussy surgically altered so it never makes poo-poo, then watch it blow up like a balloon.