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August 25 , 2008
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Wal-Mart Greeter
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Posted at 22:00 EST
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Wal Mart Greeter
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't! The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart
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June 22 , 2008
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40th Anniversary
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Posted at 00:00 EST
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A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married c ouple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....
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June 8 , 2008
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Grandma's Boyfriend
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Posted at 00:00 EST
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A 5-year-old boy went to visit his Grandma one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?
The little boy replied,'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.' |
April 25 , 2008
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Sex Of Flies
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Posted at 02:00 EST
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded , "3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone. |
April 4 , 2008
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Forrest Gump and Heaven
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Posted at 01:00 EST
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FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'
Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test as it was.'
St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?'
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers'
Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.
'How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'
Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '
'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name'?
'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song, 'ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run Forrest, run.'
Give me a sense of humor, Lord. Give me the ability to understand a clean joke, To get some humor out of life, And to pass it on to other folks.
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May 8 , 2006
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Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale
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Posted at 23:00 EST
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Worlds shortest Fairy tale
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?" The guy said, "No" and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed skinny and farted whenever she wanted.
The End |
May 4 , 2006
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A Blonde And A Hare
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Posted at 01:00 EST
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A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another 10 feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...
(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)
(You can still delete it)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
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April 27 , 2006
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Monastery Life
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Posted at 22:00 EST
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Monastery Life
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping
the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church
by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying
from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk
goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone
made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked
up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent
copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from
the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked
vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go
by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets
worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging
his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R" ! ,
we missed the "R" !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's
wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was
CELEBRATE."
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October 27 , 2005
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Mildred
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Posted at 22:00 EST
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Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house...walked home....and left it there all night.
Mildred minded her own business after that. |
October 1 , 2005
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Zig's Funnies!
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Posted at 01:00 EST
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I have decided that Zig Apilsin has the best jokes at AW and so, I am going to post all of the funnies he sends me, here. If you have delicate eyes, don't look, this man is the AW stand up comedian!
Again, thanks to Zig! He's a mess and makes me laugh!
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Phone Conversation
with the wife Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it. WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$60,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?" 
Potential & Reality
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would." He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
Rednecks and the FBI
Hello? Is this the FBI?" Yes. What can I do for you?" "I'm calling to report on my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood!" "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descended on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but found no marijuana. They sneered at Virgil as they left. A few minutes later, Virgil's phone rang. "Hey, Virgil. This here is Floyd. Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Sure did." "Happy Birthday, buddy!" Who Says Rednecks Ain't Smart?
Taking his Temperature
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."
Talking Italian A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: ''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.'' ''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.'' ''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''
The Psychiatry of life
1) My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn?t! 2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. 3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me! 4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. 7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 10) Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research. 11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. 12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 13) NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, coughing, why-oh-why-is-the-room spinning medicine. 14) The trouble with life is there's no background music. 15) God must love stupid people; he made so many. 16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 17) It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. 18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative. 19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. 20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 21) To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer. 22) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
Tiff With Riley
''My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. ''I got in a tiff with Riley.'' ''Riley? He's just a wee fellow,'' the barkeep said, surprised. ''He must have had something in his hand.'' ''That he did,'' Kelly said. ''A shovel it was.'' ''Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?'' ''Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left boob.'' Kelly said. ''And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.''
You gotta love the Marines The following incident is said to be a true account. A Marine Corps General was interviewed on the radio the other day by a female interviewer concerning guns and children. Below is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between the female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General as he was preparing to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL : We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL : I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL : I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL : Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines!
Virtual Breasts (o)(o) Perfect Breasts ( + )( + ) Fake Silicone Breasts (*)(*) High Nipple Breasts (@)(@) Big Nipple Breasts (.)(.) Tiny Nipple Breasts o o "A" Cups { O }{ O } "D" Cups (oYo) Wonder Bra Breasts ( ^)( ^) Cold Breasts (o)(O) Lopsided Breasts (Q)(Q) Pierced Breasts (p)(p) Hanging Tassle Breasts o/o/ Grandma's Breasts ( - )( - ) Flat Against the Shower Door Breasts < o >< o > Electric Shock Breasts (8)(o) Extra Nipple Breasts ( o Y o ) Poses for Playboy Breasts ( / )( / ) Madonna's Breasts
Need to describe your ass or someone else's over the Internet but want it to be visual? Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes: (_!_) A regular ass (__!__) A fat ass (__)(__) A "wide load" ass (!) A tight ass (_*_) A sore ass {_!_} A swishy ass (_o_) An ass that's been around (_x_) Kiss my ass (_X_) Leave my ass alone (_zzz_) A tired ass (_E=mc2_) A smart ass (_?_) Dumb ass (_Lame_) Lame ass (_jack_) Jackass (_-$_) Cheap ass (_0_) A Prison ass (_) Half ass (¨^¨) Registered ass (__|___) Lop sided ass (_:_) 2 holed ass (_O_) Cavernous ass (an ass that's REALLY been around) (Mom)(__) Tattooed ass (_)||(_) Fucked ass ()() Ass print on a window ( * * ) Ass with dimples (_X X_) A kicked ass (_%_) An average ass (_$_) A rich ass [_!_] A hard ass
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
Subject: new primary care physician I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked,"Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like; playing, Golf, sailing, ballooning, rock climbing ?" "No, I don't," I said. He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?" "No," I said. "I've never done any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?"
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Damn women drivers!!!
Gorillia and redneck
A female gorilla in a zoo was causing a lot of commotion because she was in heat and had no male gorilla around. The zookeepers decided they had to do something, so they approached a local redneck about servicing her for $500. He agreed but made three stipulations: nobody could see him do it; they agreed. The offspring must be reared Southern Baptist; they agreed. They had to give him a week to raise the $500.
Woodpeckers
A Texas woodpecker and a Louisiana woodpecker were arguing about which state had the hardest trees. The Texas woodpecker said that they had a tree in Texas that no woodpecker could peck. The Louisiana woodpecker accepted the challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Texas woodpecker was in awe. The Louisiana woodpecker then challenged the Texas woodpecker to peck a tree in Louisiana that was absolutely un-peckable. The Texas woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to Louisiana, the Texas woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem. The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Louisiana woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree and the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Louisiana tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state? After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home. End of Zig's Funnies
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