Koshka's Rules:

• My singing does not provide cultural enrichment.
  
• I will not wake Seme and Fenton up at 3 a.m. for breakfast.
  
• I will not faithfully chase the cursor around the pc screen.
  
• I recognize that you brought that other cat home as a friend for me and not as a target of guerrilla attacks.
  
• I will not crawl behind the pc and unplug everything just because I feel I am not getting enough attention.
  
• I will not bite the vet, (again).
  
• Mummy's Egyptology research papers are not prey, nor are they a bed.
  
• We do not kill our prey in the house.
  
• We do not leave bits and pieces of our prey on stoves, beds and kitchen bench tops.
  
• Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
  
• I will not sprawl on the books Seme is trying to read.
  
• I will not jump to the top of the refrigerator and then projectile vomit all over the kitchen.
  
• I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.
  
• I will not scan pictures of my butt when playing near the pc.
  
• The piano is for humans to play.
  
• I will not turn the tv/stereo/VCR/DVD) remote at 4 am.
  
• A silk Dior suit is not to be pulled off its hanger and used as a nest.
  
• I will not bury Fenton's Hugo Boss ties in the herb garden.
  
• The bed is not a WWF wrestling ring.
  
• I will not turn off the answering machine when I am playing.
  
• I will not call someone on the phone. (Yes, this happens). 1: Step on the speaker button. 2: Step on speed dial button.
  
• I will not (hang up the phone|press the buttons) when Sem is on the phone to Australia.
  
• I will not press the reset button on the computer.
  
• I will not walk on the keyboard.
  
• I will not throw up on the keyboard.
  
• I will not demand (to be fed|to be petted|to go out) when the humans are having sex.
  
• The vacuum cleaner is my *friend*.
  
• I will not sink my teeth into the neighbours Rottweiler's jugular again for stealing my food.
  
• I will not jump off the ceiling fan when Fenton comes home and turns it on! (I have NO idea how he got up there!! It scared the S**T outta me).
  
• I will no longer hurl cactus plants off the window sill and onto Seme's head when she is climbing the back stairs loaded with groceries.
  
• I will not balance my 10 kilo body on Fenton's full bladder.
  
• I will not put my paw under a moving sewing machine needle!
  
• I will not wait until my Fenton and Seme have visitors before I go and get a tampon from its box and bring it downstairs to kill it.
  
• * I will not drink the bathwater while my human is taking a bath!
  
• I will not head butt the control pad/joystick when Fenton is 10 seconds away from completing a game after 2 hours.
  
• I will not bat every toy I own under the couch and then howl until someone comes and gets them (at 3 a.m.) for me.
  
• Fenton's car and house keys are not toys and are certainly not something he wishes to play search-and-find for when he is late for work.
  
• I will not jump on the kitchen counter and make off with the roast beef/roast chicken/roast lamb/ or Seme's sushi.
  
• 10 kilo kitties should not climb to the top of small trees and cause them to bend then break in half.
  
• The goldfish like living in water and should be allowed to remain in their pond.
  
• I will not get on the roof, meow frantically, then claw Seme as she tries to rescue me after climbing up three floors to the roof via the drain pipe.
  
• I will not use car windshields as slides when I have muddy feet.
  
• I will not reset my human's alarm clock.
  
• I will not stalk my neighbor's elderly cocker spaniel and scare it half to death.
  
• I will not knock statues of Bastet off the nightstand at 3 AM in order to get Seme's attention.
  
• I will not jump onto the toilet seat just as Fenton is sitting down.
  
• I will not play the game "tiger attack" when Seme is sunbathing the garden.
  
• I will not steal all the nifty shiny things from Seme's jewelery box on top of the five-foot tall clothes dresser, then bury them in my litter box.
  
• I realize that you are not trying to get away from me when you close the bathroom door.
  
• My human does not need rescuing from the bath.
  
• * Looking adorable after misbehaving will not negate my crime.
  
• I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.
  
• The next door neighbour's bird *likes* to be left in his cage.
  
• Running down a ladder head first is a silly thing to do.
  
• I will not bring home tiger snakes as a gift for Mummy, no matter how much I love her!
  
• I will not play "Charge of the Light Brigade" with the other cat in the hallway at 3 a.m.
  
• I will not ignore my new toy only to suddenly find it interesting at 3 AM.
  
• I will not open the window coverings and cause the unclothed Seme to flash her neighbors.
  
• I will not soak Seme's beaded Versace clutch purse in my water bowl.
  
• Vases of flowers are not food.
  
• I will not pee on /throw up in/chew on/ or mangle/ nor will I go to within two metres of Mummy's brand new ultra expensive Jimmy Choo's.