The conservative newspaper "Human Events" assembled a think tank of 15 scholars to provide a list of The Ten Most Harmful Books of the 19th and 20th Centuries (which can be found here).

This list starts out much as one might expect. The Communist Manifesto is #1, Mein Kampf is #2, The Quotations of Chairman Mao is #3. Conservatives tend to think Communists and Nazis are harmful, so that makes sense. But check out #4 ...

4. The Kinsey Report by Alfred Kinsey

At this point, I feel it prudent to point out that people did not have sex before The Kinsey Report. Mutual prayer made babies.

And then there's #10

(I know, I'm going out of order.)

10. General Theory of Employment, Interest and Money by John Maynard Keynes

Human Events Summary: "Keynes was a member of the British elite--educated at Eton and Cambridge--who as a liberal Cambridge economics professor wrote General Theory of Employment, Interest and Money in the midst of the Great Depression. The book is a recipe for ever-expanding government. When the business cycle threatens a contraction of industry, and thus of jobs, he argued, the government should run up deficits, borrowing and spending money to spur economic activity. FDR adopted the idea as U.S. policy, and the U.S. government now has a $2.6-trillion annual budget and an $8-trillion dollar debt."

I love it when people blame FDR for the national debt. After all, he did spend all $8,000,000,000,000 himself... on fancy wheelchairs.

Honorable Mention: Introduction to Psychoanalysis by Sigmund Freud

It takes serious cojones to call Freud's work harmful. Obviously, his book created insanity. Yes. Before that, we knew people were possessed by demons.

Honorable Mention: On Liberty by John Stuart Mill

For this, their summary should just be, "This book establishes the ideas of a free market economy and individual sovereignty - two things conservatives hate as much as liberals."

Honorable Mention: Unsafe at Any Speed by Ralph Nader

Now, I ask you, how can this be on the same list as Mein Kampf? Well, you might consider that consumers shouldn't know anything. What are they doing reading when they should be out consuming, hrm?

5. Democracy and Education by John Dewey

I like the summary for this one. "[Dewey's] views had great influence on the direction of American education--particularly in public schools--and helped nurture the Clinton generation."

Damn you, Dewey! Your "thinking skills" taught Clinton that oral sex wasn't sex. Go in the corner with Kinsey!

Now, hold on a minute. If you're a conservative think-tank, the teaching of thinking skills is bad. It encourages logic, criticism and skepticism. The alternative is the regurgitation of facts written in books and blind obedience to the information presented to you. If you're the Human Events panel, which poses the threat?

Hmm, maybe they should change their name from "think-tank" to something more like "braintrust"? What's the difference between a think-tank and a braintrust? A "braintrust" doesn't even profess that it "thinks". It does, however, profess to have "brains" and "trust". Okay, I think "septic-tank" is most appropriate.

*ahem* Back to the list ...

Honorable Mention: Origin of the Species by Charles Darwin

I'm glad Origin of the Species made the list. It renews my faith in conservative septic-tanks.

Honorable Mention: What is to be Done by V. I. Lenin

Lenin only gets an honorable mention? They've got Mao and Marx up there - why did Lenin get thrown to the bottom of the heap? I know! Kinsey beat him to the punch. Lenin would be up there if he only had added "... also, sex is awesome. Have more sex."

Honorable Mention: Descent of Man by Charles Darwin

Holy moley, Darwin made the honorable mention list twice. He's one dangerous thinker - way more than Lenin, or Skinner, or Freud, or even Nader. Darwin will mess with your head.

Final comment:
I'm sad that the classic "banned books" didn't make the list, like Twain's stuff, or even Catcher in the Rye. Now, those were some harmful books.

Reincarnation before death -- an odd thought, no?

Of Mice and Man

"Utilizing satellite technology and these [2 clamps], we will redirect all global telephone communication into an endless voice mail system. And once a person is on the line, the array and amount of choices will render them occupied, busy, and unable to defend the earth for a full 72 hours - more than enough time for a well-prepared mouse to seize control of the planet."

Where No Mouse Has Gone Before

"That plaque displays representations of man, woman, and the rudiments of earth's most sophisticated science. It is being sent on a probe to the outermost extremities of the galaxy, along with a disk showing earth's arts and music. If aliens look upon it, they shall learn everything they need to know about the dominant species of earth...If I put myself on that plaque, the aliens will recognize me as earth's leader."

That Smarts

Plan #1: "I will pose as Jimmy Hoffa, back from vacation. All labor leaders will bow before me, and help me utilize the giant industrial complex to build this - The Forced Vertoconvector. It will create millions of tiny steaming geysers that will actually lift people several inches off the ground, immobilizing them." [Pinky informs me this will not work because - "The coefficient values of the formulas should be sine, not cosine."]

Plan #2: "We will program a computer to generate a fantastically popular romance novel. It will contain a hypnophonetic sentence so long and so confusing, the reader will be forced to re-read it endlessly out loud, and the frequencies of those sounds will hypnotize all around them, primed for my suggestion that I rule the world." [Pinky informs me this will not work because - "The frequency needs to be an exact integral multiple of the input...or it will be all wobble-wobble."]

Plan #3: "By converting our cage into a nuclear reactor, we can produce enough energy..." [Pinky informs me this will not work because - "Your migration area is tiny, the neutron will never be able to slow down from fission to thermal in here."]

"Accepting my own errors, the team needs balance. Balance, yes. Therefore, to successfully take over the world, a sacrifice must be made. One of us must be an imbecile."

Brainania

"Tonight, we shall use the power of static electricity to conquer the world... Static will entrap the world in its own garments...To generate global static cling, we shall construct a massive clothes dryer. Behold, the Titanocycle 4000, with 3 speeds and automatic wrinkle guard. It will be huge...the lint screen alone will be a half-mile long. Unfortunately, a dryer of this magnitude will cost 14 billion dollars and 59 cents."

Das Mouse

"In tonight's plan...we shall receive the aid of legions of unassuming humans... they will be hypnotized by the secretions of a rare Peruvian Gaokian... It's skin gives off a powerful hypnotic fluid full of active peptides... After we collect the frog's fluid we must devise a plan to draw thousands of people here to ingest it and become hypnotized... We shall mix the fluid into a floury batter and have a gigantic pancake jamboree."

CIA photo of Mothra

Cheney Issues Mothra Alert

Washington (IWR Satire) - Vice President Dick Cheney announced today a new terrorist threat from Iraq. "I have just been briefed by our intelligence agents that Saddam Hussein now has a new weapon of mass destruction -- a giant atomic moth! We don't know how Saddam came in possession of this giant indestructible moth from hell, but we suspect he had some help from those evildoers in North Korean. They must have hijacked Mothra from Pharaoh Island in the Pacific Ocean and flown the moth in question into Iraq under our radar surveillance systems.

All Americans must be on alert for any sightings of Mothra. If you should see a giant moth flying over your house or at the beach, please take cover immediately. In addition, all Americans should also be on the lookout for the so-called Ailenas, two tiny Asian female accomplices, who could be lurking in your mailbox or possibly just looking cute in your car's glove compartment. They are believed to be wearing fur and silks outfits made popular by Laura Bush during the 2000 Presidential campaign so that they would blend in very well in states like Texas and Florida.
The Ailenas

If anyone should see Mothra or the Ailenas, please call the Mothra hotline: 800-8mothra. After the proper authorities have been identified, the Air Force will dispatch Stealth Bombers equipped with our latest weaponry, the Orlisikan Atomic Heat Ray, which is believed to be able to destroy Mothra and his tiny Ailenas friends. Should the heat ray fail, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is in the process of recruiting from our ally, Japan, the monster Godzilla. Although Godzilla was on early retirement from the Tokyo Zoo, he seems more motivated than ever to fight his arch enemy Mothra."
Godzilla

Do other months have Ides? Yes, every self-respecting month has Ides. May I call April the 15th the Ides of April? No, you may not, though local newscasters, for whom a little knowledge is always a dangerous thing, inevitably refer to the tax deadline as the Ides of April. Anyone with a third grade education (if he or she went to school in the 40's) can tell you right off that in April the Ides fall on the 13th and can recite the rhyme: March, July, October and May, the Nones fall on the 7th day.

What's this about Nones?

Okay, now listen carefully. The Romans did not count the days of the month from 1 through 30. Instead, three days in every month had names:

the Kalends fell on the 1st
the Nones on the 5th or 7th,according to the rhyme
the Ides on the 13th or 15th.

And before you ask, there's no such thing as a single Kalend or None, and neither of them is anything like a Druther.

When a Roman wanted to say "March the 14th", she had to say: "the day before the Ides of March" (It goes faster in Latin). March the 6th would be: "The day before the None of March" (you never couted after, always before). April fool's day fell 'on the Kalends of April.' After the Ides (the 13th or 15th, according to the month) you counted the days to the Kalends of the next month. March the 16th was "17 days before the Kalends of April" (with March 16 and April 1 in ancient fashion counting as full days). It was complicated stuff. A Roman had to know the rhyme: In March, July, October, May; and when the date fell after the Ides, he had to be able to manipulate "thirty days hath September" pretty quick too.

My theory is Julius Caesar just got the day's wrong. When told to beware the Ides of March, he had affairs of state on his mind. Dutifuly, he bewore all day on the 13th, the wrong damn day.! Nothing happened. On the 15th his guard was down and they got him, in Pompey's theater, at the foot of Pompey's statue, where the senate happened to be meeting that day in the temple of Venus that was part of the theater complex. The foundations of the theater survive to this day, where the modern Roman restaurant Da Pamcrazio invites passersby to dine where Caesar was slain. It's in a wonderful part of the old city, near the Campo dei Fiori. The salad bar's pretty good, but avoid the Texas toast, and above all, Beware the Ides of March.

author ~ Victor Estevez

I saw "Home For the Holidays" recently and it reminded me of another lesser known Xmas movie about a historical dysfunctional family worthy of recognition in this time of holiday cheer. Specifically, I refer to "The Lion in Winter," based on a play by James Goldman. If there was a board for such an honor I would nominate The Lion In Winter as AW’s Most Holiday Dysfunctional Familiy Movie.

Here’s the premise: During Christmas 1183, Henry II of England, Scotland, Wales, France, etc. hosts a Xmas homecoming as a means to decide who will be his heir. King Henry is feeling a bit of the tooth. At the ripe age of 52 or there abouts, he decides he must choose his heir. His remaining sons, three in number, all vie for Henry’s throne, and their mother, Eleanor of Aquitaine, wants to topple him, or so it we are lead to believe.

Henry II is the typical egomaniac we see so often in history. He wants to see his kingdom last forever. However, his sons seem less than promising as the holiday ensues. Eventually he resorts to desperate measures ~ marry his mistress and have more sons if it means he can have another chance to train a successful heir. Watching this twisted family feint and dodge, attack and parry, riposte and counterattack as the holiday season rolls on around them warmed the cockles of my ancient history heart to say the least.

Don't go looking for accurate history in The Lion In Winter. Oh sure, there’s plenty of backstabbing, spying, double-crossing and rampant infidelity. A typical family Christmas for the Plantagenets, England's first royal family in the 12th c. The ingenious drama has all the hallmarks of a Shakespearean classic, but the author makes it easier to understand.

Less historical spectacle than vicious farce, this film boasts a classical cast spitting venomous dialogue to include a young Anthony Hopkins and Timothy Dalton as gay lovers destined to rule England and France? I used the question mark because this is one of the movies allusions.

For those who haven't seen the filmed version of the play stop reading right now and rent the bloody thing!

Back to the story. Our dysfunctional family gathers in France for Christmas. The players: Eleanor of Aquitaine, who has been in absentia for the last ten years (read this as in prison), Richard (who later becomes The Lionheart) and Prince John among others help round out the family tree. An invited guest is Philip Capet of France. The holiday gathering takes place at Henry's castle of Chinon. No one's mind is on presents. Rather, everyone is thinking of provinces -- who controls them, who give up which in exchange for what concession, and so on. A merrier holiday gathering could hardly be imagined.

For a decade King Henry II of England has kept his wife Eleanor in confinement and kept her extensive territories in France under his control. Now at Christmas 1183, she comes to Chinon at Henry’s benevolent invitation. With their eldest son dead, it is necessary for Henry to choose who of their three surviving sons - - Richard, Geoffrey or John -- will succeed him to the throne. Everyone has their own agenda, and issues are complicated by the presence of King Philip II of France and Henry's affair with Philip's sister, Alais, who has been engaged to Richard since they were both children.

This is historical fantasy to some extent. There was no Christmas Court at Chinon in 1183, although there had been a Christmas court at Caen in 1182 that brought family members together. None of the dialogue or actions is historic; however, the outcomes of the characters and the background of the story are historically accurate.

Peter O'Toole is absolutely phenomenal as King Henry II, one of the first kings of England ever to unite the entire country and grab a big chunk of France in the bargain. King Henry was the reason that English monarchs got crowned "King (or Queen) of England, Scotland, Wales, and France," etc. (I can’t remember the exact wording). He was, in the words of the author: a master bastard, and O'Toole plays the role to the hilt. Only one player in this fine ensemble cast outshines him, and that's Katherine Hepburn as Eleanor.

Eleanor of Acquitaine was one of the most powerful women in the history of the western world, and Hepburn projects that power on the screen, along with love, bitterness, deceit, honor and a million other emotions, all in a voice that makes her sound like she's been to hell and back, and has fond memories of the trip.

A very young Anthony Hopkins appears as Prince Richard (eventually Good King Richard from Robin Hood fame or better known in history circles as Richard the Lionheart, leader of the 3rd Crusades). This is Hopkins first major screen role. He is Burtonesque as an egomaniacal, homicidal, slightly bent king-to- be. He's got aggression and brains, a combination that attracts trouble.

John Castle plays Geoffrey, the scheming second son; Geoffrey knows that he has no chance at the throne, so he's willing to stand behind whoever lands on it. Nigel Terry (you might have seen him as King Arthur in Excalibur) plays young John, a whining little sot that I was dying to strangle before the movie was over.

Timothy Dalton makes his own debut as Prince Phillip of France, who has managed to weave himself quite nicely into the family web. Phillip is as cunning as Geoffrey and as ruthless as Richard, but is he a match for their mother?

Guess you'll have to rent the movie to see. Actually, this movie would fail at the box office these days. Nothing violent happens, there are no special effects ~ no wars are started or ended, no murders take place and no crowns tumble. Yet all these things almost happen time and again, and it is the precarious balancing act that Goldman's characters perform that makes the story so hypnotically compelling.

To me the film’s great success is in the dialogue. The characters all carry around unsheathed and bloodied rapier wits. We get to know them, not through their actions, but rather through their words, through the verbal snares they set and the verbal barbs they cast at one another.

It’s a family Xmas movie like no other. Parental discretion is Xtreemli advised ~ get the popcorn ready before starting.

Sources: [Richard E. Dansky] James Goldman, The Lion In Winter (Random House, 1964) Video: (MGM/United Artists, 1968) performed by Peter O'Toole, Katharine Hepburn Director: Anthony Harvey, II

"It's been a fabulous year for Laura and me." -- George W. Bush, three months after the World Trade Center towers went down.

My old AncientSites domus sans a few graphics, but still... ! I was amazed that some of old AS is still visible on the web. You can still see the animated graphic created by Brandubh Niall for Byzantium 1914, one of Decimus Aemilus alternate history scenarios played out at Belle Histoire way back in the good old days. Ah, what wonderful memories.

Why is it we always remember the past with such fond feelings? Is it because time erases the bad and only leaves the good?