I don't want to quarrel with yet another friend - this time a RL male friend. An otherwise nice and funny companion, I pray he's not turning out a moron who feeds on platitudes when it comes to his ideas about women. I've had for the second time the "you women are illogical" talk from him, with no result when I tried to counter it. The third time he does that, he's a goner.

This statement disturbs me on so many levels, but not the obvious ones. I think I've said elsewhere that I dislike women who fan the flames of the war of the sexes. I can understand that from the point of view of a man this can seem illogical. I'm also well aware that there are many men who do the same, in even more horrible ways. I can discuss the merits and faults of men and women as long as necessary. I think what really disgusts me is the "YOU women".

Listen, boy, I have worse problems than being an illogical woman. Because of the way my brain is wired - nature or nurture or both - I currently have the emotional maturity of an 11-year-old. Until I've found a solution to that, I cannot even take into consideration how to behave as a woman, whether it's right or wrong, logical or illogical. I like guys, that's all I know. Beyond this, right now I'd rather be burned alive than consider any kind of relationship with somebody who has such respect for me that he doesn't even listen to my own (admittedly limited) ideas about men and women. Because, you know, I don't fit your definition of a woman. I happen to fit your definition of a man. How about that? You make me seriously consider finding a nice non-prejudiced girl, I guess it's as easy as finding a nice non-prejudiced man (that is, next to impossible). Oh yeah, maybe you were inclined to overcome briefly your illogical-women gag reflex to get some sex from me? Tough break, boy.

Whew... nice rant. I took it too personally? That's possible. I've overreacted? That's certain. I don't know if I'd tell him like this, but at least I spewed some venom and I'm less likely to skewer him when I do.

While I appreciate the need to get money for AW through the Google ads, some of them are hilarious. This is what I got today:

How To Get A Boyfriend
Vuoi Conoscere Nuove Persone ? Scegli e incontra nella Tua Città.

Know The Secret To Men?
Learn The "Secret Psychology" To Getting A Man Hooked For Good

How To Get A Boyfriend
Get A Boyfriend Easily With My Downloadable 'Get A Boyfriend' Book

How to Captivate a man
Make Him Fall in Love with You- and want to give you the world.

Get Your Ex Back
Get a powerful plan for restoring your relationship with your ex. $24

This begs some questions. Why only ads for boyfriends? And why do they appear only when I'm logged in as my male persona? (As Val I only get very intellectual sites about Aztecs and such.) But especially... Getting my ex back for 24 dollars? When he can stay the hell away from me FOR FREE? No thanks!!! >:)

Or "The Return of the Axe Murderer".

Why do I keep going out with the same friends who always end up hurting me in the things I most cherish? Maybe because people normally behave like this, and I'm the only idiot in the world who believes in decency and respect?

Knowing what would follow, I had stuffed myself with antidepressants before leaving home. I've been prescribed them but I usually don't take them - what's the use, I end up in pain anyhow when the effect wears off - unless I know I must avoid biting people's heads off. Also because I was driving, and so I could not resort to my other remedy for coping with human company: drinking myself into oblivion. By the end of the evening, antidepressants or not, I was rabid.

The story: a male friend of mine has been hurt by a woman, and he stated that next time he will be with a woman he will treat her like sh*t, just because she is a woman. My female friends took this as a matter of fact, only advising him to warn her beforehand. Just like, in another occasion, the same female friends treated all men as sex-crazed retards, and the males who were present just stood there, saying nothing.

These things make me feel sick to the stomach. So it's normal, absolutely normal for men and women to hate and despise each other and find satisfaction in hurting each other. And they call it love? Wow, thanks, if this is the way it works, I'm so happy to be the weirdo who falls in love only with men who have been dead at least a century. Maybe I lack the random sex now and then - which I presume all the above-mentioned men and women carry on shutting their nose in disgust for having to commune with beings they despise - but boy, at least my self-worth and pride are intact.

While I was away I had written an envenomed entry depicting in detail why I was about to become an axe murderer during a trip. It served its purpose, because I vented and didn't hurt anybody too bad. Then my palmtop reset itself and ate it, and it was just as well.

Some of it is meaningful to my rivers-confluence philosophy. Four days in a Big Brother setting in a supremely dysfunctional group , especially one depressingly, constantly mean-spirited person, make you rethink your life. Her basic tenet is "men are s***" but her cynicism and bitterness freely extend to most of humanity and other people's beliefs. She has had tragedies in her past, but I cannot recognize this as an excuse for meanness in the present. Otherwise I'd be going around ripping eyes out from anyone I meet.

Specifically, I cannot accept the war of the sexes. For a very simple reason: which side do I fall on? I'm bound to get hurt either way. I'm a woman; I like men and men don't find me too shabby either; yet I behave like a man on most issues, and I feel compelled to defend some of my best friends who happen to be male. I refuse sexual determinism. I get mad when someone presumes to know how I think because I'm a woman. Therefore I get just as mad when I hear this line of reasoning applied to men. Men are bastards, they cannot change... hey, if this were true of everything, we'd be still killing each other with clubs.

I believe in decency, towards a lover, a friend, an enemy, a man, a woman. I believe that humanity is made of saints and demons and all the nuances in between, regardless of gender. I believe in not doing to others what I would not want to be done to me. And I wish I were more sure of myself in upholding this beliefs, and not let things like the past four days depress me to death.

Yep. I joined again. I have no shame, have I? But mistakes are good for learning - even the same repeated mistake, I hope. I don't really think re-joining is a mistake: it will be up to me. I'm just not very proud of my wavering.

But then again, what must I do? It's a group for "supporters" of AW and I'm a real AW cheerleader. Trying to keep my distance like in the post below never works for long. And despite the growing AW wish list on Aelfwine's site that I keep advertising and enlarging. Maybe it's just personal, but the bottom line is this: this is the absolutely best cyber-place I've been in, for a lot of reasons which would require another whole post; and despite my pet peeves about some of its quirks, I want to work to help it and make it even better. Which means Crossroads.

But the very nature of Crossroads makes it problematic for me. The reason I left the other time was that I got really, really angry, and I do not like being angry, it goes against my philosophy of love and compassion. It doesn't matter what made me angry: but since it's a site that covers important and controversial topics, it's obvious that there will be often conflict, and I have serious problems in dealing with conflict. You've seen it - I blow my top and leave slamming the door even before thinking, even though the poor group admins have no fault in it. I've been doing it all my life. Yes, I have issues.

But I'm ready to give it another try, armed with tea, sliced bread and honey. And then again, hey... maybe they won't want me, and this will solve my problem!

If someone is looking for the writer's questionary, it's back at Aelfwine's.

Now you all know why I refused to be appointed a Scribe. I'm happily going back to not giving a damn about the site, taking what I want and giving back when I feel like it, which isn't often. Caring is just not worth the price.

I did join the group. I think it's a good way to put my wacky ideas to the test and contribute more to AW. Well, not that I don't contribute, as those of you who are aware of my other personas well know. But there's always a way to do more.

I always have this tendency to gush when it comes to AW, and I'm sure I will have my fallout sooner or later (no fault of anybody, it's a cyclic thing with me, though I always hope it doesn't happen). But I have to admit this time it's less likely, because the community has a blend of characteristics that makes it very much endearing.

If it were just a bunch of men speaking about Ostrogoths, I could get tired very quickly (I did about the Gothic-L, which is not just a bunch of men but is very specific... I have to do something about it, get back to reading it, contribute with a "Hails" now and then, dare to ask questions about my Goths in the novel...). Same if it were just a bunch of fangirls gushing about LOTR. I have been in all-female groups before, and boy, was it boooooooring after a while. Like that garden in my Catholic university where only girls could enter. I'm not here to flirt because I'm not good at that, but it's nice to chat with men once in a while. And to have female friends to cry on their shoulders or laugh together. I love this variety a lot.

And there's the variety that is intrinsic to the site itself, the interactivity, the way you can contribute creatively to it. There are RPG games - drool. The sestercii idea is fun, though I perceive it's not exploited to its full potential, with ways of earning them and more ways to spend them (this might change with the 'hoods). You can belong to groups or create them. Maybe the most striking thing for a newbie is to have a fully fledged site for free, which can have lots of goodies more (blog, chatroom) by subscribing for a fairly cheap fee, less than a magazine subscription, and I have much less fun with magazines. Now there are the 'hoods and users are creating parts of the site with their own hands (or would if they had the time *cough*CisalpineGaul*cough* - hey, Ravenna comes first!) Of course all of this must be credited to Jot and all those who worked to create this incredible site. My satisfaction makes me very willing to overlook occasional glitches.

Which anyway now I'll be able to rant about endlessly at the Crossroads. :D

Since there is a very good group with this name, I changed the title of this journal into the Latin phrase that indicates the joining of two rivers and still remains in the names of many towns, among which the lovely Koblenz. The concept is the same - a mingling of different waters to create something new. I also gave this name to my new chatroom.

So I subscribed, after slamming my nose on the latest problem I was just bursting to submit to Arachne's Web! And creating a new persona just would not do: I was beginning to feel discriminated by my male Germanic alter ego. After debating with myself whether to upgrade him or subscribe as Valeria... here I am. Now, I'm not sure what I'll write here since "he" already has a million journals, but it's good to know I can!

First random note: you say "a male Germanic alter ego" and not "a Germanic male alter ego" because the most general adjective comes first. Tolkien (I think) makes this point somewhere about "a great green dragon". Oh, so very random.