Copyright © 2004 by Jonathan Dean
All rights reserved
Published in the United States by the Small Creek Press
10216 Westport Ct. Tampa Fl


When I first set out to find a limerick Book,
I could find not a one, anywhere I’d look.
So then I sat to think,
And I put pen to ink,
Now here’s a book; after the trouble I took.

Limericks are a form of poem that have intrigued me since I was first introduced to the form in a third grade class in 1982 at Garrison Elementary School, Lewis County, Kentucky, USA. My teacher, Ms. Skaggs, gave our class an assignment to write a limerick. I wrote several limericks that day in class, which I have since lost; though I never lost my fascination with the humorous form of poetry, known as the Limerick.

I have included my own work in this compilation, as well as that of other poets. Where possible I have given credit to the authors, though in some cases the author is unknown. Many limericks are created anonymously for the sole reason that the author does not wish to be connected with the creation. This is also understandable, and has been respected. I have placed my name on the poems which I have written, for I am not so concerned, as to be ashamed of what others may see as a lapse of good sense. I have never been accused of having good sense; it would be a compliment to hear the reverse, which would imply that I was in a place from which such a lapse were possible! It was my intent at first, to compile a collection of poems which excluded the raunchy, ribald limericks which have led to the aforementioned denigration of the reputation of the Limerick form as true poetry. I realized, however, that to do so would do a disservice to one branch of the historical root of this poetic form.
Many limericks are base in their nature, and to exclude such could be taken as an attempt to censor, and thus misrepresent a portion of the history of the Limerick.

Instead of excluding the “dirty” Limerick, I have devoted a chapter which contains some of the more Ribald versions of the poetic form. It is possible that some of the limericks contained within this work may offend, so if this may apply to you, I would simply ask that you do not finish reading this book, since that chapter is the last.

For those that may want to do what I could not, I give license to anyone that so chooses, to avail themselves of their freewill to censure the last chapter of this book, by removing those pages. If you so choose, please add your name to the list of editors, on the title page, and supply me with your name, so that you may be properly given credit in future printings of this book, if there are any.

There is another chapter dedicated to the Whimsical Limerick. These should be found safe for all readers.

There is even a chapter, (#2) that is dedicated to: “Limericks That Reflect Upon Intellect”, and these are solely based upon my own intellect. There is no intent to demean the intellect of others. If the subject matter is beneath you I apologize, and if it is too deep… well then there is always the final chapter for your consideration.

There are also some other poems, which are not limerick in form, interspersed within these pages. I have included a chapter or two of original poetry written by myself. This poetry is merely an outlet for my personal feelings, and now I have chosen to share these with anyone who wishes to read them.

Limericks are often thought of as a lesser form of poetry, with little basis in intellect. They are the “one liners” of poetic fare: which is to say that they are enjoyed, but not respected as true poetry. The limerick has been delegated to the lower echelon of the poetic ranks, and that may be the very same thing that has engendered my affinity for these poems.

There are, though, those that are very critical of any Limerick that does not meet the meter to which the form has been ascribed, as it has evolved. The most widely accepted meter is three metrical feet, or anapests, in the first, second and fifth lines, and two metrical feet, or anapests, in the third and fourth lines, as in the following example:

da da DUM da da Dum da da DUM
da da DUM da da Dum da da DUM
da da DUM da da DUM
da da DUM da da DUM
da da DUM da da Dum da da DUM

Another accepted meter is to make the first metrical foot of the limerick an iamb, which is: da DUM, with two anapests to follow: da da DUM da da DUM, as in:
There once, was a man, from South Wales

There is room for poetic license in both of these scenarios, and there is an option for an extra unaccented syllable at the end of a line in the Limerick. The form would be: da DUM da da DUM da da DUM da; as in the following line:
There was a young man from old Hebron,

In this example the emphasis is on the first syllable of the last word in the line. If this exception is used, then it should continue throughout the second and fifth lines to maintain proper meter.
Another accepted definitive scheme of the limerick is that the rhyming words must be different in each line, and cannot be repeated at the end of any of the following lines. This is a good idea, in most part, because of the fact that it inspires more ingenuity and creativity in the creation of a verse. When you rhyme three words, instead of recycling the same word in subsequent lines, it tends to show greater creativity.

The proper meter is not a requirement for a good limerick verse. There are many great limericks that do not adhere to the strict meter and form that has been designated for a Limerick. Even the “Poet Laureate” of the Modern limerick, Edward Lear , wrote verse that did not measure up to the modern definition of a true Limerick. Although, one could make the assumption, that this would be fine with Mr. Lear, because he did not coin the term, nor did he aspire to meet a “definition” in his poems. The opposite was in fact proffered by Edward Lear, as he referred to his Five line stanzas as “Nonsense Verse”. Lear often used the same word to end the first and the fifth line, which is quite Taboo, according to the strict modern definition.

The following limerick by Edward Lear is an example of a limerick that does not meet the strict rule of rhyme or meter:

There was an old person of Bude, da DUM da da DUM da da DUM
Whose deportment was vici-ous and Rude, da DUM da da DUM da da da DUM
He wore a large ruff, da DUM da da DUM
Of pale straw-colored stuff, da da DUM da DUM
Which per-plexed all the people of Bude. da da DUM da da DUM da da DUM

In the preceding poem, the word Bude was used twice, and the meter of the second line was not correct according to a strict interpretation of the meter of a limerick.
It is my own opinion that limericks are too fun to be taken seriously. The most important thing about a limerick is that the natural rhythm is there, and that your idea flows smoothly to a sharp-witted end.
The limerick is itself an orphan of poetic history, with no pure pedigree from which to trace its roots. It is, therefore not possible to hold the limerick to only one metrical measure. Nor is it reasonable to impose a rule of rhyme upon something which has been mimicked after an image that was the opposite of that very form; namely, the rhymes of Edward Lear, the author of 212 “Nonsense Verses”, who is considered the: “Father of the Modern Limerick”.

On the following page is my brief limerickal definition of what I feel describes the limerick:
WHAT is a LIMERICK?
Jonathan Dean

The limerick is a fun five-line poem,
Enjoyed by all those that know ‘em,
With two rhymes up top,
Then one last to stop,
And two in between, not below ‘em.

The Limerick is considered, a bawdy art,
As expression it’s thought, not very smart,
To achieve a laugh,
Or to exploit a gaff,
At expense of respect it, will humor impart.

Anyone can write poems in limerick form,
Whether in cold clime or in weather warm,
It’s not very hard,
In a letter or, card,
Sent to Larry, to Curly, to Moe, or Norm!

LIMERICKS
Jonathan Dean

Limericks based upon Intellect
Often give cause for introspect,
Most are for whimsy,
For her or for himsy,
But these few do intellect reflect.

PHILOLOGY
Jonathan Dean

The love of words, the Philologist knows,
Grows stronger as your vocabulary grows,
That fine art of loquation,
A most studious vocation
Luminary philology, enlightenment shows.


PHILOSOPHY
Jonathan Dean

Sophistry, an uncertain philosopher may say,
Is the darkest, lightest, clearest, opaque foray,
Into souls enlightened desire,
Stuck in minds darkened mire,
The Yin and Yang- light dark interpretive way
DETERMINISM
Author Unknown

There once was a young man who said, “Damn!
It appears to me now that I am,
Just a being that moves,
In predestinate grooves,
Not a taxi or bus, but a tram.”


PAIN IS NOT REAL
Author Unknown

There was a faith healer of Deal,
Who said, “Although pain isn’t real,
If I sit on a pin,
And it punctures my skin,
I dislike what I fancy I feel.”
IDEALISM
Ronald Knox

There once was a man who said, “God,
Must think it exceedingly odd,
If he finds that this tree,
Continues to be,
When there’s no one about in the Quad.”


A REPLY
Author Unknown

Dear Sir, Your astonishment’s odd,
I am always about in the Quad;
And that’s why this tree,
Will continue to be,
Since observed by yours faithfully, GOD
The Past Isn’t What it Used To Be
Bruce Elliot

A professor of Physics named May,
Complains of the classroom today,
“the problem, you know,
Is that they’re too slow.
We were much better students than they.”

His friend a professor named Beecham,
Said, “ it’s true you don’t seem to reach ‘em.
But they’re not to blame,
For they haven’t the same,
Class of teachers we had, to teach ‘em!”
RELATIVITY
Author Unknown

There was a young lady named Bright,
Who traveled much faster than Light,
She started one day,
In the relative way,
And returned on the previous night.
A Brief history of Gravity
Bruce Elliot

It filled Gallileo with mirth,
To watch his two rocks fall to Earth,
He gladly proclaimed,
“Their rates are the same,
And quite independent of girth!”

Then Newton announced in due course,
His own law of gravity’s force:
“It goes I declare,
As the inverted square,
Of the distance from object to source.”

But remarkably, Einstein’s Equation,
Succeeds to describe gravitation,
As spacetime that’s curved,
And it’s this that will serve,
As the planets’ unique motivation.

Yet the end of the story’s not written;
By a new way of thinking we’re smitten.
We twist and we turn,
Attempting to learn,
The Superstring Theory of Witten!

Chapter 3 Whimsical Limericks

WHIMSY
Jonathan Dean
Whimsical limericks are the funniest ones
With innocent humor or outrageous puns.
Tho’ they may be charmless,
These are usually harmless,
So parents may tell them to daughters or sons
SCHIZOPHRENIC
Author Unknown

A young schizophrenic named Struther,
When told of the death of his brother,
Said: “Yes, it’s too bad,
But I can’t feel too sad –
After all, I still have each other.”

WRISTS
Author Unknown

A Young Person came out of the mists,
Who had the most beautiful Wrists.
A scandal occurred,
Which has long been Interred,
But the Legend about them persists.

BUMP!
Spike Milligan

Things that go ‘bump’ in the night,
Should not really give one a fright.
It’s the hole in each ear,
that lets in the fear,
That, and the absence of light!

EDOUARD
Ogden Nash

A bugler named Dougal Macdougal,
Found ingenious ways to be frugal.
He learned how to sneeze,
In various Keys,
Thus saving the price of a Bugle.

REQUIEM
Ogden Nash

There was a young belle of old Natchez,
Whose garments were always in Patchez.
When comment arose,
On the state of her clothes,
She drawled, ‘When Ah itchez, Ah scratchez!’

OLD MANS BEARD
Edward Lear

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, ‘It is just as I feared! –
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!’

ARTHUR
Ogden Nash

There was an old man from Calcutta,
Who coated his tonsils with butta,
Thus converting his snore,
From a thunderous roar,
To a soft, oleaginous mutta.

CIGARETTE
Jonathan Dean

The reason I smoked my first cigarette,
Was to prove I was not scared on a Bet.
The smoke made me gag,
‘Til I puked in a bag,
It shows this was the worst bet to get!

CHEAP
Jonathan Dean

A bowl of round pebbles on a table,
Or flowers in a vase where available,
Will be pretty and nice,
At a very cheap price,
Just be sure to remove the tag and label

POSTAGE DUE
Jonathan Dean

Without postage your package won’t go,
In the return bin, that mail, will we stow,
Letters without stamps,
From kids to their Gramps,
Sender your recipient no message will know.

BEAUTY AND BRAINS
Jonathan Dean

Once I met a smart girl named Janice Venuti,
The most popular girl in school and a Cutie,
She had a high IQ,
But no one knew,
For intelligence she eclipsed with her beauty.

The Candlestick Maker
Jonathan Dean

Said a candlestick maker from Kennewick;
“I am never content with just any wick,
To honor my name,
With a proper flame,
For candlestick making is my bailiwick.”

THERE ONCE WAS A LADY of NIGER*
Cosmo Monkhouse

There once was a lady of Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They returned from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.


YOUNG LADY of RIGA*
Author Unknown

There was a young lady of Riga,
Who went for a ride on a tiger:
They returned from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And a smile on the Face of the tiger.

ADVICE
Author unknown

I learned when I first went to sea,
You always must spit to the Lee.
And later I found,
As we sailed down the sound,
It also applies when you pee!

MARRIAGE
Jonathan Dean

Joe asked his priest, some advice to get;
“Should I marry my girlfriend Elizabet?”
To that the priest said,
With a shake of his head:
“If you do, or don’t, either you’ll regret.”

WEDDING CAKE
Jonathan Dean

A horrible thing is a wedding cake,
Ingredients, secret, after etting take;
From your new wife,
For her married life,
Any desires again to bedding make!

PARROT
Jonathan Dean

With eyes closed May fed her Ferret,
A large rather odd, feathered carrot.
Imagine her surprise,
As she opened her eyes,
To find she’d fed her Ferret, her Parrot!

Man From Nantuckett
Unknown

There once was a man from Nantuckett,
Who kept all his cash in a buckett,
Til’ his daughter Nan,
Ran off with a man,
And as for the buckett, Nan Tuckett!

LOST
Jonathan Dean

I am not a very well traveled hand,
Hey, I’ve spent my life in Cali, man.
I failed my ‘geo’ test,
‘Cause even at my best,
On the map I can’t find San Fran!


EQUILERIUM
Jonathan Dean

The Eustachian tubes aid Equilerium,
On the outside and in the Interium.
Without ‘em we fall,
And the Doc, must call ,
For his drugs induce a sweet Delerium!

RHYME FOR ORANGE
Jonathan Dean

There once was a girl who wore orange,
Who had a birth defect in her Jaw Hange.
Not a word could she speak,
Till the doctor did tweak,
And loosened the joint of her Jaw Flange.

ANOTHER ORANGE RHYME
Jonathan Dean

There once was a girl who wore orange,
To her, all other colors were Abhorange.
Whether Blue or purple,
Or with maple surple,
Other clothes she kept stowed in storange.

Bruce’s Opinion
Jonathan Dean

Bruce felt my orange rhyme was poor,
And threatened to boot me out the Door!
He liked not the Rhyme,
Or-angement nor Time,
But of meter I have never kept score!

ORANGE MARMALADE
Jonathan Dean

A hen sat on an orange and stayed,
Along with two eggs that she made,
The eggs hatched by mother,
Said one to the other:
“Oh, look at that ‘orange momma laid’!”

ALCOHOL
Jonathan Dean

These limericks are about alcohol libation,
Which often the result is slight inebriation,
Which is cause for a chuckle,
When drunken knees buckle,
As the alcohol causes slight disorientation

SOBER
Jonathan Dean

There’s a drunk by the name of Robert,
Who’s only time sober is in Octobert
But then he picks up his Flagon,
And Jumps under the wagon,
And yells, “One lil’ drink won’t Bob ‘urt”


Carlotta
Ogden Nash

There was an old man in a trunk,
Who inquired of his wife, “Am I drunk?”
She replied with regret,
“I’m afraid so, my pet”
And he replied, “It’s just as I Thunk.”

RED EYE WINE
Jonathan Dean

The fruit of the vine that inebriates,
And thus causes quite drunken states,
And your friends may decide,
Not for long to abide,
When your honor, that wine repudiates!


STAN the MAN
Jonathan Dean

Nothing quicker makes an ass of Stan,
As fast as Liquor, or beer from a can,
The more that he drinks,
The farther he sinks,
Too bad, for Sober, he’s a helluva Man

Chapter 5 Limericks of a Culinary Persuasion

Food
Jonathan Dean

Limericks about vegetables and meats,
As well as candies, desserts, and treats,
Of habits vulgarity,
And diets peculiarity,
About people who love stuff called eats!

BEETS
Jonathan Dean

There was a young man from Anteitum,
Who didn’t like beets but he’d eat ‘em,
He said with a frown:
“I must keep ‘em down,
For I shant want to have to re-peat ‘em!”

CAUTIONARY LIMERICK*
Anonymous

When you think upon hosts without No.
Who are slain by the deadly cuCo.
It’s quite a mistake,
Of such food to partake,
It results in a permanent sLo.

WAITER,PLEASE
Author unknown

An Epicure dining at Crew,
Found quite a large mouse in his stew,
Said the waiter; “Don’t shout,
And waive it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one too!”

LORELEI
Jonathan Dean

Harry, was rude to young Lorelei,
So she poured hot stew on that guy,
Then did that lout,
Loudly shout out:
“Waiter, There’s a soup in my Fly!”

HUNGRY?
Jonathan Dean

Juliani grew to quite an enormous size,
‘Cause, food he chose with gourmand eyes,
But the food was so good,
He ate more than he should,
And did not resist urges to gormandize!

CHERRY COKE?
Jonathan Dean

From pomegranates we derive grenadine,
Its color, however, is red and not grine,
It tastes like cherries,
But it’s not from berries,
And in Coke, makes the best drink I’ve sine!

Limericks written in answer to letters,
Without care, thought, or logic fetters,
I respond in limerick rhyme,
The answers in my own time,
And write in rhymes, worser or betters!
In this chapter I am including some of my on-line correspondence with members of the web-group: www.ancientworlds.net . It is my desire to convey the means by which I transformed the use of the limerick from a comic verse, into a method of comic correspondence. This is not a new idea at all, merely an example of the results of my own foray into this medium. Edward Lear, and Ogden Nash are two previous poets who used comic verse in correspondence.

In my search for information across the infinite realm, known as the Internet, I was fortunate to discover a new outlet for my poetic voice. I am known in Ancient Worlds as Limericist Tecumseh, and I respond in limerick form to any message that I receive from another member. This has resulted in quite a few limerick responses, therefore, I have decided to include them in this compilation. I also post my poetry in the forum known as: “The Tenth Muse”, on that same web-group.

I leave any decision as to whether this is a valid form of communication to thiose that make such determinations. Again, I state, that the limerick is much to fun to be taken seriously, and therefore I refuse to do so. I am finding much pleasure with this poetic form, and to delve into the theory, or argue the validity of such, would ultimately reduce my enjoyment. I hope that you are able to enjoy this chapter in reading, as much as I did in writing!

In that vein, I will refrain, from further attempts to explain.


Dear Limericist,

I just read your stuff at tenth muse and just wanted to say I love it! I love limmericks and your awesome work makes it look so easy! I can't wait to see your next one :)

Best regards,
Porciae Porcius

Dear Porciae,

I most humbly thank you for your consideration,
And Limericks are easy with proper preperation,
Just open your mind,
Find words of Kind,
And you are ready for the Limerick Occupation!

Humbly, Jonathan Dean
* Limericist Tecumseh
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

{1 of 2}
Dear Limericist,

Thank you for the message at my domus.
I think that you will enjoy this site. There is something for everyone, including poets. You should definitely check out the poetry board in Rome called The Tenth Muse, although other cities also host poetry venues. I'm not much of a poet, but I dabble in different forms. My favorite is the double-dactyl. You will find my verses sprinkled all over this site! I look forward to reading some of yours. If you are curious, here's a link to my poetry page at my other, off-site domus. (http://lonestar.texas.net/~robison/poetry.html )
Welcome to AncientWorlds!

{2of2}
Dear Limericist,

I see that the welcome wagon from Machu Picchu has arrived. (Bryce is one of the demigods, and a great talent here at Ancient Worlds.) It is a small group, but growing daily. I am curious why you chose to settle there.
Here's a little something to personalize the welcome.
Limericist Tecumseh
There once was a rhymer, Tecumseh,
Who's named for that chief of the Shawnee.
When once settled in,
His rhymes will begin...
I guess we'll just have to wait and see!

Fac valeas, amice!

Dear Senex,

Thank you for the gracious greeting,
I hope that I will be ably succeeding,
I’m a guy, new, whose;
expression and true muse,
In Limerick form,I enjoy repeating!*
And the names pronounced Te-CUM-suh,
But I understood your pro-NUN-cia,
With a name like I've got,
You'll get that a Lot
Don't offer thanks, your wel-CUM-suh.

In 1769, at the age of seventeen,
Marmaduke Van Swearingen was on scene,
Till he met up with SHAWNEE,
And said;"that Lifes for me!,
From thenceforth Marmaduke was not seen.

Marmaduke accepted the way of the Knife,
As a Chief, battling against racial strife,
He was one of the eight.
Ohio Cheiftains so great,
Being:"Blue Jacket" the rest of his life.

Blue Jacket was Tecumseh's adopted Brother,
As close as any blood, from a similar mother,
Now I respond,
White-red,This bond
Is unity, why I chose Tecumseh, not another.

My internet homepage location,
Is merely a temporal situation,
So I live in Machu-Pichu,
But I know how to reach you,
And continue to post recitation!

Jonathan Dean. Limerist
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Limericist,

Wow! That was quite an interesting reply to my question ... and in verse yet!
Forgive me for reading your mail, but I noticed that Porciae mentioned you had posted something at The Tenth Muse. You don't waste any time and should be right at home in no time. I haven't read those verses yet, so I am on my way there now.
By the way, I did look up the pronunciation of "Tecumseh" before I wrote the verse, and "te-CUM-see" was given as an alternate. I picked that one for obvious reasons! What do you know about Tenskwatáwa? There's a name without a rhyme!

Vale, amice!

Dear Senex,

I learned the name in Ohio,
Where the Dialects are shallow,
So since you're correct,
Senex, I genuflect,
I apologize for being so callow!

Dear Senex,

For Tenskwatawa, I’ll find a rhyme,
If I am allowed enough Time,
In rhyme theres no equal,
so there will be a sequel,
Oh, this challenge will be sublime!

Jonathan a.k.a. Limericist

Dear Senex,

Tecumseh had a triplet brother,
From the same father and mother,
He was a prohet of acclaim,
He has since come to fame:
The Shawnee Prophet,and no other.

His first birthname was "Laule-wa-shi-ka",
And then he was called "Els-kwat-á-wa",
'Rattling Noise'the first means,
'The Open Door'after his dreams,
But historically was called "Tens-kwat-á-wa"

Jonathan Dean, a.k.a. Limericist
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Limericist,

Welcome to The Tenth Muse! I hope you enjoy being a member of the group and that you will let me know if you have any questions. If you would like a new board that we don't already have created, just let me know. I look foreward(sic)to reading more of your poems.

Vale a.k.a. gaius Ulpius

Dear gaius,

Thank you for the gracious welcoming,
As I become accustomed to becoming,
A member, new, whose;
joy is expressed views,
In Limerick form,which is not sloming!
* (*slumming)
Jonathan Dean a.k.a. Limericist

Chapter 7 Miscellaneous Limericks Posted at 10:30 EST

Odds and Ends
Jonathan Dean

These are the Limericks that don’t fit,
Into any other categories I have writ,
They are odds and ends,
For you my dear friends,
They’re limericks but that’s about it.

STUDIO
Jonathan Dean

The artists’ home is the Atelier,
From there comes his art Dalier,
From French we assume,
That name for his room,
Because ‘studio’ is not as statelier!

LION
Jonathan Dean

The lion is portrayed as imparious,
In kingly roles played so sarious,
If by one your bitten,
You’ll find he’s no kitten,
Of that bite you’d better take carious!

HYENA
Jonathan Dean

The Hyena is known to be pestifer-ious,
Tho’ his laugh can be quite infex-ious,
His manners are hellish,
His odors are smellish,
In fact he is downright obnox-ious!

FALCOLM?
Jonathan Dean

A Kestral named Malcolm the Falcolm,
Was a Falcolm with very sharp Talcolm,
But before he would Prey,
He would stop to Pray,
For prey, as he pre-prayed to Takle-olm.

In Extremis
Jonathan Dean

In Extremus finds he’s ‘at the point of death’,
The Time near when he draws his last breath,
The Doctor did implore,
But he chose to ignore,
Now’s too late to think of Drinkin’ his heath!

PUNCH, LUNCH, PUNS
Jonathan Dean

A good joke needs a good punch line,
A burger with a Bun is at lunch fine,
But food comes then goeth,
And the poet he knoweth,
A limerick’s no good with no “pun’s” line!

TOPIC (Double limerick)
Jonathan Dean

You can write a poem ‘bout most any cliché,
The subject can be of any known topic,
Even about dance moves as people saché,
In the East, the West, or in climes so tropic,
Many poems are writ,
By poets young and old,
With a quick enough wit,
These stories are told,
And of subjects there’s an endless caché,
Unless, topics, elude your eyes, ‘Myopic!’

WRITERS’ CURSE
Jonathan Dean

If you’re trying for money to make,
And not writing for writing’s sake,
You’ll only find strife,
In that kind of life,
When writing, will earning time take!

It’s kind of hard to earn your keep,
If you write when you should sleep.
Which causes your boss,
His or Her head to toss,
And call you a lazy ‘Bleepity-Bleep!”

A writer of poems should refrain,
From tossing his dream down a drain,
By failing to write,
When the muse is right,
And only trying to write just for gain!

Insubordination
Jonathan Dean

The reason for my termination,
Was said to be insubordination,
“Cause I’m no Myrmidon ,
Instead of Oũi, I said Non,
Now, I’ve more time for recreation!

STOOLIE
Jonathan Dean

A bookie named Leoni Castratta,
Did somethin’ he really ought natta,
He gave up his own,
And now he is known,
As ‘Persona non Grata” from Nevatta!

POETASTER
Jonathan Dean

You can call me, a true “ Poetaster,”
Which means I am no poet master,
I am no poet laureate,
My poems are not great,
But it sure lets me finish them faster!

RHYME
Jonathan Dean

There once was a limerick that did not rhyme,
written with little regard to meter or time,
was it really a limerick?
Or ramblings of a lunatic,
Or expression with the alliteration of a mime?

APPLES AND ORANGES
Jonathan Dean

An apple and an orange are related to the Lime,
Red, orange, and yellow, the colors do not rhyme,
These fruits they are all,
spherical; you may recall,
Oranges and apples are compared all the time!

“SPORTS”
Jonathan Dean
Here, the Limericks refer to sports,
A sports theme at least they purports
Rhymes about horses,
Race cars and courses,
Thus the chapter: “Sports of All Sorts”


IT’S UP TO YOU, NOT YOUR CUE
Jonathan Dean

To when at the “Pool” game, not lose,
Pay attention to shots that you chose,
A poorly aimed shot,
Oft misses the spot,
Costing the game because of ‘Miscues’

A wonderful game is “Nine Ball”,
No pocket or rail must you call,
Just sink one thru nine,
And you’ll be just fine;
You win when you make the nine fall.

“Eight Ball” pool is not quite the same,
From “Nine” It’s a more difficult game,
Choose one or the other,
A striped ball or color;
The first to shoot last wins the game.

So be careful what shot that you pick,
Whether cut, bank, straight in or a kick,
If the shot you do miss,
With a bad double kiss,
The blame’s on the shooter not the stick.

Dale Earnhardt, Jr
Jonathan Dean

Dale Junior is famous in NASCAR,
For his skill in driving a FASTCAR,
The restrictor plates,
Did not hurt his rates,
For at Daytona no one was FASTAR.

DAN PATCH
Jonathan Dean

Dan Patch was a mighty fine racehorse,
Who seldom new defeat on a racecourse.
He set the pace,
In every Race,
His life journey was true:“Tour de Fource”

SEA BISCUIT
Jonathan Dean

C. S. Howard owned the horse: “Sea Biscuit,”
Whose jockey, Red Pollard, had a brisk wit,
C. S. challenged a Match Race,
The Triple Crown winner to face,
War Admiral’s concerns at first wouldn’t risk it!

But Sea Biscuit soon rose to such acclaim,
Which led Howard to make the grand claim,
“War Admiral is Great,
But he doesn’t rate,
When compared to my Sea Biscuit’s Fame!

This claim persuaded the ‘Admiral’s’ owner,
To consider an affront to his horses ‘howner’
He said, “In the West,
The ‘Admiral’ is Best,
We accept a match race with the “out of towner!”

So, at Pimlico, from a standing start,
Sea Biscuit took the lead with much heart,
He continued to lead it,
War Admiral he defeated,
The performance was a racing work of Art!

Chapter 9 Politics

“POLITICS”
Jonathan Dean
Limericks based upon political themes,
Allow expression of electoral schemes.
Whether a Democrat,
Or a Republican Cat,
Indy, Green, you’ll hear from all teams.

POLITICIANS
Jonathan Dean

Politicians and babies are similar for a season,
Both should be changed oft, for the same reason.
Babies will mature,
But Legislature,
Will stay soiled as, elections let new sleaze-in.

POLITICALLY CORRECT
Jonathan Dean

He’s not short, but challenged verticality,
He’s not bald, but challenged follicality,
He has not relly,
A big beer belly,
But a malt and hops mid-storage locality.

A Tax for Attacks(Double limerick)
Jonathan Dean

For all to know, Tyrants we’ll attack,
Instead of like Spain, who gave in,
And for funds for the war cause to back,
To prevent by tyrants terror; a win,
Please take my advice,
We will pay more for gas,
It’s well worth the price,
Cause we’ll kick their ass,
Support your country, protect your kin,
And, vote for a tax, for attacks on Iraq!

Chapter 9 Biography
BIOGRAPHICAL
Jonathan Dean
Limericks that are biographical,
With errors a few typographical,
Mostly are quite factual,
If you like facts, you-ull,
Find these’re not highly typhical


Edward Lear
Jonathan Dean

There once was a poet with a ‘Nom de Plame’,
Of Derry Down Derry, was his fame to claim.
A “Book of Nonsense” he,
Called his book of poetry,
And Edward Lear was his true given name.

On the twelfth day of May in, the morn,
In 1812 the poet, Ed Lear, was born,
The twentieth Tad,
Of his Mum and Dad,
His parents, seems, did abstinence scorn!

In Highgate was born, that Learickle man,
Who’s “Nonsense” was, a quite lyrical plan.
Rhymes so untamed,
Limericks they’re named,
That flowed from his pen in empirical hand.

In January of eighteen-eighty and eight,
The limericks great old “Poet Laureate”
On January the twenty-nine,
That poet lived his last line,
As Edward Lear returned to Heavens gate.

THREE LOST BATTLES, THREE WON WARS
Jonathan Dean

Custer led the Seventh Cav, in the Sun,
At the ill-fated battle called Bull Run,
Wrongly believed Custer,
No Indian could muster,
Greater skill than his men, with a Gun.

Once upon a time in old Mexico,
At another lost battle so long ago,
We lost Bowie and Crockett,
Lock barrel and stock, it,
So we must, “Remember the Alamo!”

In the Hawaiian harbour of the Pearl,
The Japs, “Tora, Tora, Tora” did hurl,
Tho’ that blind side attack,
Did not break our back,
It got us in the Second War of the World.

Three lost battles, on three separate scores,
Many lost lives, spawned: “Esprit de Corps”
At great mortal cost,
These battles were lost,
Three lost battles, in three hard won wars.

RC CRAVEN
Jonathan Dean

There is a young man called R.C.,
Who lives by a code of rules Three,
ONE: Respect the Ladies,
TWO: Be Honest, Maties,
THREE: Never forget to ‘ONE’, see.

CRAVEN IMAGE
Jonathan Dean

To himself said a young Master Craven,
In the morn as he laved and was shavin’;
“When in the mirror I see,
This Craven image of me,
I know ladies are about this image ravin’!”

THE CRAVEN FAMILY
Jonathan Dean

The Cravens are such a gramn anamily,
Quite the joke and a half famn Damily,
Jokes about sex,
Not one will vex,
That is, unless you tell it shamn shamily.

I can say this without seeming inane,
One is a goof, one has a blond mane,
“Book Ends” are two,
A Gator Fan too,
From those I know, I doubt they’re sane

“My Poems”
Jonathan Dean
The poems on the following pages,
May not be great literature of ages,
But it’s from what I feel,
And in that vein it’s real,
Not written for gain or for wages.


Miracles???
Jonathan Dean

Life…a miracle little recognized in these days
Birth…a miracle little recognized in these days
Love…a miracle little recognized in these days

Children… little lives that are born of love…
At least that is as it should be,
But that too seems to also be
...A miracle that is little recognized in these days.


No Pain, No Gain?
Jonathan B Dean, From experience.

I have heard the coined phrase, "No Pain, No Gain."
Obviously penned by one, not tethered by its chain.

I have no desire for pain, there is not enough to gain,
To balance out a lifetime, filled with agony and pain.

I live with pain, strong drugs can scarcely maintain,
In a dark and dizzy haze, that is morphine's domain.

Pain, without the drug, has sapped my will to abstain,
I'm trapped in a maze, a haze, of the morphine's reign.

Now I'm taking a drug, I never thought it would gain,
Hold on my mind, causing me to feel "less than sane."

Morphine robs me of reason, taking away a little pain,
Numbing me for a season, that hope may still remain.

That morphine will hold at bay, a vicious aching pain,
'Till my back is repaired, then relief, will be my Gain!


What I Need
(Hai-ku or Sen-ryu = Gesund-heidt!)
Jonathan Dean

Haircut, Money, nice Car,
I have a Good paying Job
But feel I need more.

House Cat friendly dog,
I have enough to live well
But feel I need more.

Good friends, food, and fun,
I have all of these as well,
But feel I need more.

I have not I need,
But to fulfill not for greed,
Hearts request, soul plead:

Heart says to my soul-
Find your mate before to death,
My sad heart will bleed.



Knowledge
Jonathan Dean

The more you learn the less you really know,
A wise teacher once said to the student.
The more that you learn, the more you grow,
That is if you listen to lessons as prudent.

For many this advice is so often unheeded,
I know in my life that this sadly was true.
When I was young I knew what I needed,
And to younger ones I pass this on to you:

I often sit in awe of what I do not know,
Remembering of when I knew it all.
I sit in wonder with what I do now know,
Humbled I realize my scope is so small.


There is An Answer to Every Question
Jonathan Dean

There is an answer to every question,
That has been asked.
The true test is to recognize the answer,
When it is given.
I am often guilty of looking at the question,
For so long;
The answer has come and gone long before,
I disentangle myself,
From my perceptions of what I felt should’ve been:
“ The true answer.”


“Autobiography of Insanity”
Jonathan Dean

If every picture tells a story,
Then paint my autobiography on cheap black velvet with chalk!

Without care for who looks upon me,
What they may say, but remember: be nice or don’t talk!

Random thoughts goin’ through my head,
I have not a clue what she just said…..

Humming, and strumming and keying this tune
my mind’s a’workin’, so’s I ain’t no on’ry loon.

Questions all in my head, they are a hurtin’,
Answers all around for seein’, for certain

Questions unanswered, some answers are more painful,
It’s true, Q’s are painless, ‘till the A bites, how shameful.


Do They Really Want to Know?
Jonathan Dean

They ask:
“How’s Mom and them?”

I say:
“You don’t know them, or my mother!”

They ask:
“So, how’s the wife and Child?”

I say:
“She’s now the EX, and it ain’t my kid, nuther!”

They ask:
“Well, how’s it goin’?”

I say:
“ Faster than I can earn it!”

They start to ask,

And then I say:
Why don’t ya stick your nose in your own business ‘n turn it!”



What I Want You to Know
To my Wife Andrea with a prayer, Jonathan Dean

I want to say that I love you,
I want you to know that I care.
I want you how I miss you,
The times that I am not there.

I want say that I appreciate you,
I want you to know that I care.
I want you to know that I love you,
The times that I am not there.

I want to say that I thank you,
For all the blessings you bring.
I want you to know how I do,
Feel peace when I hear you sing.

I want you to know that I love you,
For bringing such joy to my life.
I want you to know that it is true,
A man is not whole…without his wife.


JUST WRITE IT DOWN
Jonathan Dean

When your mind is clear to think-
thoughts that you enjoy,
remember the things that-
make you happy.
And never be afraid to write-
about those things that you love.
If you write about things-
that you enjoy,
those things that you find interesting-
may be the very things
that others may enjoy reading about.
If you write in volume,
and submit your work often,
then you are bound to be
published at some time.
It is also very important to let friends
and family proofread your work,
and to accept their opinion
of your grammar,
composition,
and general “readability”.
After you learn to put aside
a little of your sense of pride,
of criticism, you may be surprised,
by what you will learn from your peers.
This will also help you to mature
into a writing style that complements
your personal goals.
It is much the same as the comparison:
a young artist who begins finger painting –
as a means of expression.
I remember when I used crayons,
then charcoal pencils to draw expression,
(Sometimes to the dismay of my parents,
it was not only on paper!).
I am still not a great artist,
but through that early experience,
and willingness to express feelings,
I was able to see improvement-
upon my ability to portray
on paper what I wanted to say.
Writing skills can be developed
in much the same way.
I am a great fan of “free-writing”;
which is the expression-
of random thoughts,
written as the they appear in your mind.
This is the literary answer:
to abstract or impressionist art.


CHRISTMAS
Jonathan Dean

What will we do for Christmas?
Will we give with Hearts of Cheer?
Cherish the Spirit of Christmas,
All throughout this year.

Think not of December as ending,
The year that is now done.
Instead think of a new beginning,
As we worship God’s new born Son!


EPITAPH
Jonathan Dean

Jokes that are not funny,
And folks that do not laugh
The jokes are my real Life
Those folks will write my Epitaph

CLOUDED VISION
Jonathan Dean

In the drab and weary forest, the misty haze of the dimly moonlit pre-dawn darkness lends a sense of helplessness. The fog clings to the ground n places, with the appearance of a beautiful soft down, while covering the vile sulfurous muck that is beneath our subconscious cognizance.

In other terms this description may be considered rather a metaphor of the world in which we now reside. It is as though we are n the dark and dreary world, in the dimly lit pre-apocalyptic end times. The fog is a self induced illusion that allows us to deceive ourselves with ignorance.

The minds of the masses are clouded to the stench of their lifestyles, thinking that they are high in the clouds, as they wade knee deep into the vile poisonous waters beneath the mists of deception. The mist that they see as the soft comfortable lifestyle, has served to cloak the stench, as they are becoming entrenched the mire. The mist also serves to cloud the vision, so that, as a whole, they are shortsighted, then blind-sided by their choices in this unfortunate turn of circumstance.


INSECURITY
Jonathan Dean

In time I hope to find that which I seek,
A goal kept in my mind, lest I grow weak.
Way up high, or down deep in my soul,
I must locate my desire, ere it grows cold.
Am I sure of what my real goal is for sure?
Insecure I must not be, since my heart is pure


Chapter 12 Ribald and Risque

WARNING TO PARENTS
Jonathan Dean
Limericks that are Ribald or adult content contain,
When children are present the adults should refrain.
From such content reciting,
No matter how exciting,
Cause it’s easier to refrain, than to children explain


Sailor Named Dave
Author Unknown

There once was a sailor named Dave,
Who kept a dead whore in a cave,
Her body was rank,
My how she stank,
But think of the money he saved!

Untitled
W. H. Auden

As the poets have mournfully sung,
Death takes the innocent young,
The rolling in money,
The screamingly funny,
And those that are extremely well hung.

Old Man of Boulogne
Author Unknown

There was an old man of Boulogne,
Who sang a most topical song,
It wasn’t the words,
Which frightened the birds,
But the Horrible Double Entendre.

Bigamy
Author unknown

There was an old party of Lyme,
Who married three wives at a time.
When asked, “ Why the Third?”
He replied, “ One’s absurd,
And Bigamy, sir, is a crime.”


BASTARD
Author Unknown

When Daddy and Mum got quite plastered,
And their shame had been thoroughly mastered,
They told there boy, Harry:
“Son we never did marry.
But don’t tell the neighbors, you Bastard.”

Sailor From Bates
Author unknown

There once was a sailor from Bates,
Who sailed his fine ship upon skates,
Till he fell on his cutlass,
Which rendered him nutless,
And made him utterly useless on dates.

Ecticut
Author Unknown

There was a brave girl of Connecticut,
Who flagged the express with her pecticut,
Which her elders defined,
As presence of mind,
But Deplorable absence of Ecticut.

A YOUNG FELLOW of PERTH
Author unknown

There was a young fellow of Perth,
Whose balls were the finest on Earth.
They grew to such size,
That one won a prize,
And goodness knows what both were worth.

DARLENE
Author Unknown

Said the laundress lady, Darlene,
“Sex is great in my washing machine.
The fast plunging action,
Gives me such satisfaction,
And both of us get to come clean!”

A Man From Pawtuckett
Author Unknown

There once was a man from Pawtuckett,
With a Dick so long he could suck it,
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin;
“If my ear was a C*nt I would F*ckit!”

Tunes of Fumes
Jonathan Dean

There was an old man, who’d harass,
With musical fumes from ‘is ass.
Till he passed an odd note,
That on water would float,
He said: “My stink I am, outta Gas!”

OLD LADY
Author Unknown

There was an old lady from wheeling,
Who had the funniest feeling,
She laid on her back,
And tickled her crack
And then she pissed all over the ceiling.

ABATTOIRE
Jonathan Dean

The butchers domain is the Abattoir,
He does all his killing from outa thar,
From all the Sows,
Chickens and cows,
Come Chops, Breasts, and Hambagoir.

PECKER of WOOD
Jonathan Dean

A woodpecker in a tree at old Berlin-in,
Thought: “What type tree am I peckin-in,
No, not a Beechnut,
Nor was it Birch, but,
The best piece of Ash my peckers been-in!”

LECHERACHAUN
Jonathan Dean

There was a leprechaun named Fred,
Who very lecherously said:
“’Av’ ye seen me shileahly,
I exercise it deahly,
The length makes m’ladys face red!”

MISTER BROWN
Jonathan Dean

On Monday revered Mister Brown,
Perchanced to go up Downtown,
To visit Charlotte,
The local Harlot,
Who gave rise, and then went down!

LINK
Jonathan Dean

There once was a playboy name Link,
Who would chase after anything Pink,
To get open their thighs,
He’d ply them with lies,
For a chance to make his dinky Stink.

TIAJUANA
Jonathan Dean

In that raunchy old town Tiajuanna,
See a girl with a snake if yuanna,
A disturbing sight,
That fills with fright,
And then she mounts an Iguanna!

SEAMUS
Jonathan Dean

Seamus O’ Mally to innocent lil’ Alluss,
Bragged of his prowess w’ out any maluss.
He wore a Kilt Mini,
Without undies any,
Thus did shameless Seamus, show al’ o’ uss!

CAT TAILS
Jonathan Dean

There was a man, who hated cats,
He stated an idea, and it’s that’s;
“To stop their wails,
Just crop their tails,
Behind where they, would wear hats!”

Helen Keller
Jonathan Dean

Deaf, Dumb, and Blind Helen Keller,
Whose dog ‘Ungh’, was a sad little feller,
He was deaf and blind also,
And couldn’t see where to go,
That’s why Helen’s socks were all yeller!

Helen Keller, a cheese grater she took,
A mistake, for the grater she shook,
As she tried to read,
It made her fingers bleed,
And she thought; “My what a violent book!”