can't take credit for this story, it was forwarded to me (but it's a good one!!)

A Squirrel Story

We always knew there was something sinister about squirrels.

Neighborhood Hazard (or: Why the Cops Won't Patrol Brice Street Anymore)
If you need a laugh, here it is:

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous!

Little did I suspect ...I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.
It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close.
I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.

Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves! Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!"The leap was nothing short of spectacular ... as he shot straight up,flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest.

Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel And losing...

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.

That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.

But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH !

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my back and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!

The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in ... well ... I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn-t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.

This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle ... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is an evil mutant attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on The Dragon maxed out since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment) so her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet.

By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of . so to speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off in a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up and to get my glove back. I really would have. Really.

Except for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment.And when I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street and was aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So the cops were not interested in me.

They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And some Band-Aids.

I haven't been on in ages, and I was having a bit of fun roaming around again like the old days at AS. Read my old journal entries, and I have to say I'm just a bit suprised at some of the stuff I put in here that I've forgotten. As one entry says, "I'd hate to see myself at 32.." well, baby, this is it and I've forgetten everything I wrote in here LOL

Aparently I was in a bit of bad mood as well the last time I actually wrote something. Hormones eh?

So what have I done recently? Got into a head on car crash and got the car written off, seen about ten people try to pick up the loony I superglued to the pavement outside work (evil never sleeps), watched my sister give birth, and that's about it. Just shows how life gets once you hit the 30 mark. Oh, finished my novel as well so must work on that.

Anyway, Hello to those who read this who have no idea who I am, and can't remember...and Salve to those (or should I be saying Salvette?) to those who I did know and read this and say "holy crap she's appeared again!"

Have a great day all, and hope to see you soon!

Okay, this is all going to come out wrong and offend a lot of people I would imagine...so here goes the end of my reputation as a quiet nobody LOL

Whilst trying not to bring up AS, I notice one big difference here. Nobody seems to leave messages or say hi to anyone. Now, this could just be me, sitting here on the sidelines and feeling pre-period and all *grinning nervously* and do know that this isn't aimed at anyone in particular, rather as a general pointing out of things.

Is it just me or does anyone notice this as well? At AS (I know, *groan*) if we visited someone's home site we'd leave a message. It might be me but I've not a message dropped, even a quick hi, and usually only from newbies to say thanks for the welcoming. What happened to everyone hanging out and talking???

I'm done now and ready to be shot down in flames, go ahead.

Okay, interesting weekend. I left the farm yesterday and immediately came upon an upturned car lying in next door's front yard. (Since this is farm country we are talking about 300 feet down the road). My first thought was that how come I hadn't heard the crash? The second was to get out and make sure everyone was okay, which fortunately they were. I would think the whole thing was due to some person driving way too fast and trying to do multiple overtaking. duh!

The next accident thingy was that a couple of hours later I was chopping veggies to sling in the organic recycling and managed to chop through my thumb right down to the nail bed. The bastard wouldn't stop bleeding so I was considering hot-footing it down to the paramedic at the end of the driveway (dealing with the crash) and getting a stitch. LOL

Had alot of fun yesterday, me and my friend Piper went to the Renaissance Fair here in Milton, Ontario, Canada. It's the second biggest renaissance fair in North America, and it's hysterical for fun. (Helps if you have a few mugs of mead, too).

Anyway, I met up with Piper and we watched the jousting - two men in armour hitting each other over the head with sticks - looked quite painful, following by proper jousting. I was rooting for Thomas of Shewsbury because he had a nice horse and wore black and yellow. (Women eh??)

Next I wanted to get an ankle bracelet so we headed over to the stand where there were two lovely young scottish men in kilts. You had a choice of the Nice chair to sit in, or the Naw-T chair. Guess which one I chose? Right, the naughty chair...*EG* Basically I got: 1. A free lap dance 2. A free kiss (hehhehe) 3. A free foot and calve massage (apparently I do have wonderful calves) and then a peek down the old kilt, all for 17 dollars Canadian. I call this a fair bargain!

We stayed all day and then the evening finished up with a rowdy version of the British national anthem followed by an appearance by Queen Elizabeth I, and then some culture in the form of The Men In Tights doing Shakespear's MacBeth in under three minutes. It was so funny I thought I was going to be sick (perhaps it was the mead??)

Anyway, if you live nearby I would recommend a trip next year as it's definatly a great day out!!

Car trouble - oh yeah!

Today I am upset over the car. Can you beleive I went to get gas and after I filled up the car it wouldn't start. Turns out the battery is as dead as it can get. I get a boost and get two blocks and it dies...damn Ford! Reminds me of a song by Adam and the Ants "Car trouble"

Have you ever had a ride in a light blue car?
Have you ever wondered whose the slave and who's the master?

Anyway, met two fantastic people on here, after reading journal entries. You might know them, go check them out they are great, Victoria Aedui and LuciusFlaccus Valerius.

and I am at home and online. This proves I must be getting older. Gone are the days of heading out to the bar in tight jeans and too much black eyeliner, trying to pick up a guy wearing acidwash jeans with hair down past his butt. Ahh! The good old days! How listening to Metallica brings back those memories of twilight evenings, beer in hand and smoke in the other - such class! Such abandon! Such revelry!
Okay, perhaps I got too carried away there for a moment.
Seriously, though. You know you're getting on in years when you find yourself wincing at loud music and wishing you could turn it down. I hate to see myself at 32. LOL

Well I think it's safe to say the blackout's finally over here in Canada (and the US). It was interesting, actually I quite enjoyed the fact that we had to briefly give up all these modern conveniences. You come to realize that we rely far too much on that kind of stuff.

We live on a farm just outside the GTA and I always assumed since we had a well and lived in a farmhouse dating back to 1850 we would be self sufficient under these kind of circumstances. Not so...LOL It turns out the well is run with a pump which in turn runs on electricty so when the power went out we had no water!!! Instead we were forced to trek over to the original well with buckets to get water..turns out there's a huge concrete slab over it so nobody falls in. So now we are walking to the new well further out...LOL it was rather comedic but we got our three buckets of water eventually.

As someone said to me yesterday, we are far too reliant on luxury, a comment I never thought about before.

I was reading a few other people's diary entries today and I have to say I found it fascinating. It's so much fun to read about other people lives and what they think and do!

I had to write down some of the things I've seen recently when I have gone outside my work. I work in a small city in the downtown area. Most of the buildings are older (1900's etc) and this seems to do something to the people who live down here! (What am I saying about myself??)

Last week I noticed a white feather on the pavement outside work. I stood there and watched a woman walk past, pick it up (ergh!) and then eat it! I swear she bit into this thing and then spat it out. Last long weekend (Canada Day) I left work at six pm and passed a guy on the street corner who was naked except for his bottle of beer, a baseball hat and a Canadian Flag. I love summer!

Right now it's raining..I thing the power might go out any moment so I'd better pack this up for now!