After a ten-year break, Apollo returned to chariot racing last week, taking the Circus Maximus with His former team, the Blues. Apollo, who quit the sport in Sextilis to focus on giving truth and prophecy, made His triumphant return last week against the Greens, just in time for Ludi Apollinares.
The return of Apollo, who averaged 2.2 seconds a lap and an average luminosity of 384.6 per game during His twelve-year chariot career, has excited star-hungry Blues fans, who are calling Him the team's "Great Horseman."
Said local Aventine resident and pious worshipper Titus Pytheus, "Apollo is a god." Apollo's decision to return to the Blues astonished insiders, considering that for years the Delian native had been scorched by the Acta Diurna. Since He was drafted fourth overall from the College of Augurs in 70 B.C., Apollo has been labeled too destructive and libertine to ever herd the Blues to water. Apollo, however, has now apparently decided to lay down his bow. "I will not hurl arrows at Acta Diurna writer Germaniae," Apollo said. "Apollo does not always keep his bow strung."
The closest Apollo came to signing with another team came during the Saturnalian, when He spent plaguing the Trojans with Reds crew chief Publius Mercurius. After asking his father, the Best and Greatest God, Apollo turned down the Reds' offer of twenty fatted calf.
"Nothing in Excess, Crew Chief Mercurius," Apollo reportedly said.
Though some say the press led Apollo to quit chariot racing, many argue He quit after being betrayed by teammate Strabo Furius during a White-Blues semifinal. With three laps left and the Blues trailing by one, Apollo was wide open for an easy lap. Instead of Strabo blocking any followers for Him, Furius shot forth from an inner track and broke an axle. After the game, a visibly wrath Apollo smited Furius with his plague-tipped arrows.
Despite the debate, Blues teammates and personnel are excited to have Apollo back. Long time charioteer, Hyacinthus, just one of many Blues teammates who claims to have a personal relationship with Apollo, said, "He's taught me so much, like how to know thyself, and when to pass a flat out for a blanket finish as a way to increase ticket sales."
Fans also eagerly await the return of Apollo's "ever-shooting" spring, a crowd favorite. In the trademarked move, Apollo leaps his horses in the air and miraculously arises toward the sky, just enough to bring a new dawn. An accompanying Homeric Hymn momentarily stuns His opponents as the sun bursts them in flames. The move wowed audiences and consuls at a Lupicarian competition two years in a row.
A three-time Cerealian charioteer champion, Apollo pleased team doctors during a brief, closed-door training on Ides, in which He displayed His still-sharp sprinting skills, horse riding, and exceptional musical skills with His lyre.
Meanwhile, the racing committee made a special ruling regarding Apollo's silver bow, deciding that he may carry it as long as he does not unwittingly smite more players.
Though Blues fans seem certain Apollo can help the team, some experts question whether Apollo is their shining way.
"The healing power of the Benefactor of Mankind may get the Blues into the lead, but they can't ride that alone to the championship," racing commentator Marsyas said. "What they really need is a jolly rider that can fill the track, someone like Aulus Sergius."
"Apollo isn't going to look young forever, and quite frankly, He hasn't been the same since Cassandra of Hecuba rejected Him," analyst and former crew chief Chryses said. "A painful rejection is difficult to overcome when He's a lover of all, and it may affect His racing. Still, I'm pretty confident He can bring in the light to their recent dark period."
June 5, 2008
Patrician jokes about Plebeians
Posted at 00:30 EST
How do you get 1,200 Plebeians in to a circus? throw in the welfare bread....how do you get them out....throw in a job application.
What's the definition of confusion. Father's day in the Subura.
What is the difference between a Plebeian and a park bench? A park bench can support a family of four.
What is faster then a Plebeian with a chariot? His brother with your wife.
What do you call a Plebeian in a villa? A thief.
How do you keep a Plebeian busy? Put him in a circled room and tell him to find a corner.
How do you make a Plebeian laugh on the Ides? Tell him a joke at the Kalends.
May 30, 2008
Can make us Laugh Some More
Posted at 17:00 EST
A prize was to be awarded for the first person to discover a horse with black and white stripes. A Germanian, a Hellan (Greek), a Babylonian and a Roman participated hoping to win the prize of 1,000 sestertii. The Germanian decided to spend weeks with his elders researching into horses with black and white stripes. The Babylonian went straight to a shop in Arabia which specializes in hunting gear, bought all the equipment necessary and set off for Aegyptus in his quest for this strange creature. The Hellan bought himself a horse and painted it black and white . The Roman went to the best bath house he knew in Ravenna, ordered an expensive meal for himself with a fine bottle of falernian wine; after the meal he ordered an expensive garum fish sauce for taste and a sweet Carthaginian raisin wine, sat in a hot steam room in the bath house and began to consider what he would do with the 1,000 sestertii once he had found this remarkable horse with black and white stripes.
.....
Emperor Commodus wanted to know what the people really thought of him, so he lost his praetorian guards, changed into a generic tunic and struck up a conversation with a random worker in a wine shop.
After a while, he casually asked his new friend what he thought of Emperor Commodus
His friend puts a finger to his lips, and takes him onto a wagon heading to Gaul, then onto a ship to Britannia, changes ships with Commodus at an anonymous country town, then takes a wagon with him to a lonely spot on the Hadrian's Wall, and then walks with him several miles into the Caledonian (Scottish) forest.
He then turns around, looks for guards and whispers ‘Actually, I don't mind him at all’.
_______
A Caledonian (Scotsman) walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Caledonian man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn'
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)
The man shouts back 'I'm Roman, Speak Latin, I don't understand you'.
The Caledonian man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'
May 29, 2008
Can make us Laugh
Posted at 10:00 EST
Who's The Boss
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers," she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this relationship."
With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!"
She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."
Germanian Math
A wee Germanian boy came home from school in tears.
'What's the matter, son?' asked his mammy.
'We were doing sums today, Mammy,' he said.
'And were they too hard?'
'Well, the teacher said either I couldn't count, or I was stupid, or all three.'
How to Impress an ancient Egyptian Lady:
Wine her, dine her, hug her, support her, compliment her, surprise her, smile at her, hold her, romance her, laugh with her, shop with her, cuddle her, go to the source of the Nile for her...
How to Impress an ancient Egyptian Man:
Show up naked, Bring Beer.
December 23, 2007
Makes us Human
Posted at 23:00 EST
The decisions I make in life can be exhausting. I can't feel happy without feeling guilty. There is always a balance. Let me explain. I write this for my future self so the me then can understand the nature of my life now. Since November 1st, 2007 I've managed to sell +$70,000 in stuff at my online store thanks to Xmas. Sounds great- sounds fantastic. That money becomes useful this coming summer if we plan on opening a public store again. My poor, younger brother is destitute and with a bad life all his life. He gets seizures 7 times a year, can't hold a job because of it nor drive yet he can't be listed as even partially disabled so bills pile higher as he goes to the hospital from seizures in stores, today in a parking lot with me (blood everywhere as he cracked his head open), and so on. Poor younger brother even had to go to jail last month for 3 weeks because last summer he flicked the mother of his child in the nose with a finger because she was going to drive his daughter while drunk and he wouldn't allow it. It's considered assault in Oregon to touch somebody without their permission and the judges are strict. My brother has simple requests. He just wants public health care that can keep him from having these seizures or get his teeth fixed. Today, I guided him to toy shops all over the place and I spent a $100 on his 3 year old so she can have toys (she's now in an adoption center but luckily watched by my wonderful aunt) and though he was happy, he had his seizure after the shopping. My trivial $100 shopping will make him pay more hospital bills and I feel I can't do anything for him though we sold $70,000. I coldly decide it's self survival. In the end, during this Xmas I have to wonder if making this money so we can have a shop to make more money (for possibility of a decent life) outweighs my ability to help a little brother who always gets shafted. Life is hard and difficult decisions must always be made.
November 29, 2007
Rudolph the Honkey Reindeer
Posted at 23:00 EST
Okay, every Christmas time, I think about Rudolph the Honkey Reindeer so let me explain. My B.A. many years ago was in African & Middle East history (and I owned an African import store). One of the things I learned was that when the Wolof people of Senegal were taken as slaves by the Dutch slave traders to the Americas, they introduced the word "honkey." You're asking yourself what that has to do with good ol' Rudolph. The Wolof word "xonk kee" sounded out "honk kee" means "red nose." The pasty white Dutch that often traded and slaved them were usually sun-burned with red all over them. Obviously, they had red noses. So, when the Wolof described these slave traders, they called the sun-burned men "Red Noses." Now, everytime I hear about Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, I think of him as Rudolph the Honkey Reindeer. Crazy, I know. I tend to look at the root word- not what it now means.
November 12, 2007
Want your own EyeTunes (Ra Noise) mp3 player?
Posted at 14:00 EST
Okay, I might be going a little nutty with these journals but I'm giving Egyptians their own ability to have an mp3 player either at their Per or at their places. The flash mp3 player is 23kb, and all you have to do is 1 thing- have your own domain to upload this 23kb flash part and the 1k xml list. The xml list is EXTREMELY easy to add or take songs away. So, if you want one, send me an email to where else but live@rome.com for me to send you this flash. You will need to provide me the exact domain and folder where it will be located. Here's what mine looks like that shows I-Claudius' Anima podcasts:
Now, if you just want to use the one I have here (list too), I guess that's fine. You would simply need to copy and paste this into the place you want it (home or hood). It's quite easy. In truth, that's all you would have to do in your own also except load it to your own domain for a personal one:
November 9, 2007
New way to build hoods (now with flash)
Posted at 11:00 EST
I found a new way to make hoods the way I want them. I can overlay flash on top of html at AW. A 1st attempt at this is in the Tabularium located in the Roman Forum hood. With this, I can now add movie clips, music, interactive graphics, advertisements of various places within the hoods, and Ancientworlds podcasting. All these things I plan to test out at the Tabularium in the coming weeks. This first attempt, is just that. I plan to make it better and more relative to the Tabularium itself. Sky's the limit now.
November 7, 2007
I never rant, but today, I have to
Posted at 00:00 EST
Okay, I've been digging around and I found a man is claiming he's an expert of making Roman models on the computer. He's not an expert. He claims he's been doing this for 11 years and getting praise from the beginning. He also claims that UCLA's professors on the Roman Forum know more than I do on it. This is where my ego comes in- no, they actually suck much of the time. Have you looked at their credentials? Some on Latin epigraphy, most on computer architecture, and none on Roman architecture nor archaeology. Take a look. It's right there on their site. Good example of their errs- Juvenal wrote about the Temple of Castor and Pollux that it had vaults below the flooring that could be accessed from the sides. UCLA doesn't have that. UCLA also has a HORRIBLE rendition of the Temple of Vespasian that I corrected in my own work. They also slaughtered the measurements of the Arch of Augustus, failed to put in the Arch of Tiberius, and have the Rostra completely wrong. Their Venus Cloacum is not sticking out of the floor of the forum like can be seen even in modern day and even on a coin. I don't care how many doctorate degrees exist in UCLA or Virginia- they have the Roman Forum wrong. Many of these things you can find in my articles in more exact detail but I just had to let out steam.
September 7, 2006
How Luke Skywalker married my mother
Posted at 16:00 EST
The Summer of 1976 was the summer of love and I was already a young kid causing mayhem... Well, Star Wars came out and everybody was ga-ga. My father and mother decided, "hey, let's tie the knot" and as dysfunctional people go, they dressed as Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia as they got married. Things were cool, the family was happy until Return of the Jedi came out. Once my parents saw that, things got a little awkward. Who knew that when they married, they would be marrying as if they were Luke and Leia, a brother and sister in a film. It was no surprise that they eventually split apart. My only question now is, am I an incest baby because they married dressed up as they had?
