Drinks with Hattie
Small talk with Queen Hatshepsut, accused of sinking the Titanic.
I, Queen Hatshepsut, playing a cursed mummy? And these lines? Mummy: “grumble… moan,” (mummy chases the children around the museum). The indignity, have you seen my latest script reads? Me; they want me to do another cheap mummy movie. I am tired of these no talent hacks portraying my kind as mindless zombies that seek revenge.
Look at me, I am well over 5000 years old and I don’t look a day over twenty. And thats strictly, off the record. Its not like they preserve just anyone's form, you know. We, mummies, are a very special breed. We're royals for Anubis's sake. Living gods... and they act like we're nothing but a pile of gauze and anger. Well... wouldn’t you be cranky if you had your eternal rest bothered? Let me just explain all the hardships pressed upon us… and see if you don’t understand.
*Ahem* Get something to drink and a bit of shade for our guest… Servants, they are impossible to keep well trained… where was I? Oh yes, first, we are pronounced dead, which is dreadful when you're a living god... then the whole process of mummification. It isn’t a day at the health salon... life at the wabet (place of embalming) is very complex... The priests actually remove your internal organs (liver, lungs, stomach, and intestines) and treat them, well not the heart of course because that has to go into the afterlife with you.
Do you know how they get your organs? A slice down the left side of the stomach, which is definitely more lasting than lipo... and they hook in the brain... you cant tell me that you aren’t disgusted with that part. You're skin has to be completely dried out with Natron salt (which is 40 days of unpleasant, heat and drying flesh), the organs go to canopic jars (falcon headed god Qebehseneuf, Hapy with the head of a baboon, Imsety who is human, and Duamutef with the jackal head) which get sealed in a special chest which will remain as close to your body as possible
Then its off to the beauty spa, Per Nefer, where they will rub your leathery skin with some beautiful oils to soften you up, replace your insides with sawdust, rags, and chaff... and give you a little botox with some mud to hide the wrinkles and cuts. They will give you a new hair cut and even give you eyes... then you're wrapped up tight in linen, I wear twenty layers, that takes ages.. at least fifteen days. And linen isn’t cheap you know. They start from head to toe, using some resin to fill in the gaps and keep you well covered... and then they will put some larger shrouds on and secure them tight. A body doesn’t want to be peaking out...
“Didn’t I tell you to keep the lady cool? Oh do fan her… treat her like you would me, all right… as if I hadn’t died and could still have you killed, you insignificant pest.” I swear…. Oh my jewels, well, I got a few little accessories because of my place... I had an amulet to provide magical protection, a scarab because it helps with the weighing of the heart. I'll get to that later... I‘ve got finger and toe stalls which only the wealthiest of us get... and my portrait mask, I wish you could have seen it... damned those grave robbers. I only had a thin layer of gold leaf... but some of the Pharaohs have solid gold masks, how elegant. Of course, I was only a priestess… some have mistaken me for a queen… Which is so flattering.
After that? Of course there is our version of the Coffin... some of us can have as many as three wooden coffins to keep us snug and safe. They get painted for the gods and have spells to protect us all over them. And of course the praise and your worthy events in hieroglyphs... you know, because Mummies are beloved nobles and worthy gods. After that you get your stone Sarcophagus which will be even more ornate to show how very special and worthy we are... You have to let Anubis know you’ve arrived in style.
What you have to see is all the lavish goods in my burial chamber... really its just overwhelming what a girl needs in the hear-after... your best clothes, paints of the life I'll have... and let me tell you... its a good life. My tomb is stocked with food, clothing, furniture, weapons, and tools... my dear sweet kitty and my favorite songbird... all the shabtis, those are my servants (representative figurines), and... Well there is just so much... and of course the Book of the Dead, spells and that... a guide to the perils of the underworld.
You know by the time they got me on my funeral barge it had been 70 days since my death... and you have to wait until be there on the west side of the river just after sun sets... to be pulled to the tomb... and a whole procession of priests and mourners... the priest has to perform the opening of the mouth ceremony and restore your senses and soul to your body before you are taken into the tomb to be sealed in. It gives your family a place to visit and your relatives can be joining you later on.
”I said to make sure she was comfortable. Fluff her cushion. Its nearly flat.” Oh, the underworld?
The underworld... my goodness... You end up at a pair of scales with the god Anubis who weighs your heart against the feather of truth... Thoth waits to eat your heart if its too heavy with wickedness... of course, I had my scarab amulet which prevents my guilty secrets from being learned... shhh! Naughty girls do get to go everywhere they want after all…
Of course.... you have the grave robbers... Can you believe this... who would steal from a God? They try to take your things, glass, gold jewelery, frankincense and myrrh, even your grave linens! Its just so... well you can only imagine how undignified it is.
What’s worse... some of them used us to make paint tubes, fertilizer, firewood... well now, I think its all rumors of course but its said that Ramesses the III was trying to become immortal by tricking Anubis... and that Tutankhamun had caused some of his raiders (researchers) to fall ill and die... but I don’t believe that. We've always had such nice times together. That Tut is really very handsome... You should come and sit with us some time for a glass of wine...
My body lies at the bottom of the ocean because of some grave-robbing mortals that came thousands of years later... and do you know what they blamed me for? The sinking of some silly ship... the Titanic or something ... How rude! I am the one that's not going to have peace. I can hardly blame a mummy if they curse grave robbers. Those that became wealthy and then purchased us... unwrapping us publicly and stealing our amulets! and then redressing us soo... without regard for our customs. I simply can’t talk about it anymore… This interview is over… the afterlife can be such a trial.
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Learn more about mummies here:
Mummy on the Titanic
Mummies with National Geographics Kids!
The Encyclopedia Smithsonian: Egyptian Mummies
Mummy Introduction, this one has cartoon graphics but is really informative
King Tut: The Curse of the Mummy
Research Ship May Have To Halt Effort to Locate the Titanic.
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The Gardens
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