Whilst most of my brethren believe in clothing and hygiene, we do have our, as you say, “bad apples”. Old Goyathlay, for instance was into his “nudist colony”, “new age”, “hippy” stage and was unlucky enough to have been caught whilst foraging for berries. (Sidebar: We will refrain from contemplating the real reason for the berries. We will not suggest that he was looking for the hallucinogenic types, shall we not?) A tourist happened upon him and caught him on video whilst he was unclothed, unwashed and high. The poor old sod. Now, he is known far and wide and has given the rest of us a bad name. I am quite certain that you humans have similar experiences with your own idiots.

Boinaiv was another case. She refused to bathe regularly. There was some sort theory, aka rumor, that it was due to a fear of water. I do not listen to hearsay, therefore I do not believe this theorem. I do know, however, that the tourists have complained about smelling her after she’s gone after easy game, aka unguarded trash bins. Yet another embarrassment to our kind.

This, for the most part, is why I went into acting. It was time to set the record straight. Unfortunately, after the final cuttings, this was not the case. I cannot impress upon you the absolute horror of watching one of my films with my wife and small children. Most embarrassing, I assure you. One would think that I would learn from my unfortunate experiences with Bollywood, but there is ever the hope of a true documentary being filmed. I am tempted to contact this Michael Moore I’ve heard so much about. Surely he would be persuaded to finally tell our truth.

Therefore, it is with great honor that I accept this invitation to the awards show. Even if I do not win, I can grasp this opportunity with both hands, to educate humans on we, whom you refer to as Sasquatch.