Interview With Nessie of Loch Ness
by Drokka Caledonii
I am utterly thrilled by the news that my editor has assigned the exclusive interview with one of Boollywood's most elusive starlets to me and shocked by her rather odd demand.
When I arrive at the designated locale, I follow her peculiar instructions and drop a couple of fresh
torgoch into the loch. Within moments, the water begins to bubble and the redoubtable Nessie appears.
“You know,” she says wistfully after wiping her cavernous mouth, “it’s nae easy tae find good red belly charr in this loch these days. Tourists! Ah weil. Me bollixing agent feels I should subsist on a diet of plankton tae keep that extra ten pounds off. For the camera, dear,” she adds and flashes one of her million dollar smiles.
Surprised by her candour, I decide to throw caution to the wind and continue with this line of questioning. “I wasn’t aware that you were struggling with a weight problem. Has this been going on long?”
She laughs heartily and pulls out a
Sallmon cheroot from a silver case, lights up and takes a deep, satisfying pull. “Ahhh. That's better. Now where were we? Surely you’ve heard the contradicting stories about me size! Some critics describe me as a giant whale of a beastie, while others say I’m nae more than a wee slip of an eel. Now tell me, dear. Do I
look like a plesiosaur, a sturgeon, or an oarfish tae ye?”
I ponder her query as she sidles onto the bank and leans back, her serpentine scales shimmering in the moonlight. While she stares at the stars, drinking in the night, I reach an epiphany. “You do miss it here in Scotland,” I say, waving my hand in a panoramic sweep. “Don’t you?”
“Aye, lass. This loch is where I spent most of me childhood years. It's a right terrible shame the way people flock here tae see it. I dinnae return often for fear of being marauded by me adoring fans. And the infernal wails and screeches that come out of those plastic bagpipes they buy at Urquhart Castle confuses the trout. Scares them intae thinking a pod of dolphins is on the hunt and they start thrashing aboot looking fer an escape. Sometimes the puir wee things swim headlong intae the rocky banks. Bad fer reproduction, that.”
“Why do you suppose so many come?”
“It’s all that Columba fella’s doing, ye ken,” she bursts out, then smiles mischievously.
“How so?”
“I didnae ken he was ashore when I came up for a ray of sun, ye see. The puir wee man lost his heid and went a runnin’ tae the hills.” She takes another pull of her
Sallmon. “I heard a rumour he’s been sainted,” she says with sly sideways glance.
“Erm. I believe he has.”
My hostess nods. “Next thing ye know, I’m an
overnight sensation.”
“Weren’t there engravings of you done by the Picts before his time?”
“Och, tae be sure!” She takes a final drag of her
Sallmon and continues. “Those works were done in reverence. Columba and his lot decided I was some sort of evil, er...
monster. Ha-ha-ha! T'was nae long after this fiasco that me agents came trawling for me tae become an actor. Now I travel all over the world and allow meself a wee bit of fun with you humans by appearing in the least likely places. Your species is remarkably intrigued by the likes o' me.”
“A wise career choice, one might say, with such notable achievements as
Kelpie! and
Free Ogopogo in your repertoire. But your newest feature is not your usual genre. Why the change?”
“Weeell lassie, having tae swim vast distances to pop one’s heid oot of the water so a director can get an honest look of horror from his cast tends to weary the fins. I cannae even bring meself tae snarl with obvious malevolence anymore. I decided tae try a romantic comedy for a wee change of pace.”
“
The Whaling Crashers has the entire industry buzzing. Some consider its release in conjunction with the Boollywood Gala a stroke of genius, while others claim it’s a fool’s errand, a ploy to stroke the vanity of a washed-up sea monster elite.”
“Ye have tae understand. We so-called sea monsters have been type-cast," Nessie says with a haughty sniff. "We really can offer more than capsizing boats and terrorizing swimmers when given half a chance. We decided tae release the movie on the night of the Gala because these affairs can be such tedium. So many monsters in the same place at the same time can become quite melancholy - especially the B-movie lot. A little vanity thrown in hasnae ever harmed anyone.”
“Is that why you co-wrote, co-produced and starred in the film with your nemesis, Squidgie the Giant Squid, star of
20,000 Leagues Under The Sea?”
Nessie chortles and almost chokes on her laughter before answering. “Here’s the thing. Squidgie and I had not had the pleasure of meeting. The media created this war between us. Truth be told, we’ve become the best of mates! We make each other laugh…a lot.”
“You’re both up for the Lead Monstress* award. Won’t this create some friction in your newfound friendship?”
“I doubt very much the academy will honour either of us for our leading roles. I fear the only sensation we’ve created this time is that monsters dinnae have tae be scary.”
"And that they can fall in love?"
Nessie's eyes twinkle with the reflection of the starlit sky and she smiles shly. “Exactly! Love is a wonderful thing, ye ken.”
”Is it true that life is imitating art, that you were smitten by Moby Dick while filming your newest venture and are now in a relationship?”
“I think I hear a boat! Me thanks for the charr, lassie.” Nessie slips back into the stygian loch, leaving this bewildered reporter to search the horizon for the mystery craft.
Later that night, while transcribing this interview in my office, I realized there is not even the slightest possibility that this sweet creature is capable of being called a monster. She’s just a girl like you and me, who wants to live life to the fullest in the beauty of her ancestral home. Sadly, she must keep moving from one loch to the next in order to retain the privacy the rest of the world enjoys and takes for granted.
For more information on Nessie’s newest film visit
Nessie's homesite.
Sources
•
Nessie/
•
Loch Ness Legend
•
Wikipedia: Loch Ness Monster
