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REDNECK TRAVEL
GUIDE TO ROME
THE REDNECKS CONQUER THE ANCIENT WORLD,
PART 1
Rome, Billy Joe Bob
Cornelius
 Where do you go if you've made a bit of money
on the farm and now you want to spend it?
Where better to go than ROME!
Grander than Mount Olympus.
More zing than one of Jupiter's thunderbolts!
A glittering whirlpool of power, corruption, and crazy, crazy
people.
And what's more - ALL ROADS LEAD TO IT!
That's right, unsuspecting public.
The rednecks have found the ancient world.
The Baths of Trajan
Of all the leisure activities, bathing was surely the most
important for the greatest number of Romans and was a
communal activity, conducted for the most part in public
facilities that in some ways resembled modern spas or health
clubs.
Of course, personal hygiene carries a much different
meaning for our redneck friends who have to be reminded that
unlike shoes and clothes, toothbrushes should never be a hand
me down item.
Who believe that the proper use of toiletries can
forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live
alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Who've been fired from a construction job because of their
appearance.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no,
as they do tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter
the taste of finger foods.
And we all know Romans ate a lot of finger foods.
Theater of Marcellus
Theater became popular from the 3rd century BCE and had its
origin in Greek theater. Admission into the theater was free,
and the seating, or cavea, was based on a first come, first
serve basis. But, many times the best seats were reserved for
the upper class. The Theater of Marcellus was the only
ancient theater to survive in Rome. The building of the
structure was started by Caesar, and it was completed by
Augustus in the year 11 or 13.
To a redneck, theater etiquette means that crying babies will
be taken outside and picked up immediately after the play has
ended. We hope.
The Colosseum
50,000 people can cram in here to witness the best blood,
guts and occasional cruelty that money can buy. Gladiatorial
combat has been a part of Roman culture since at least the
Republic. At first they fought at funerals. Then more and
more they became an integral part of the public
entertainment.
Gladiators fight and losing can mean their death. Condemned
criminals are torn apart by wild beasts. Sounds like great
fun, huh? Well, it does to a redneck who's mother has been
banned from the games for her language.
Gladiators actually went through extensive training. Of
course the redneck ones were at a serious disadvantage
because of all of them extra toes.
Circus Maximus
Chariot racing was the oldest and most popular of all
entertainment in the Roman world.
Excerpt from a recent issue of the ACTA DIURNA
Unfortunately yesterday there was a riot at the races. The
trouble started when fans of the Blue team started to hurl
insults at the Red team's star driver who had just won his
39th race.
It appears that a Blue fan who has been identified as
Billy Joe Bob Cornelius shouted out that Gaius, the Red
team's star driver is "a girly wimp what feeds his horses
lumps of sugar and puts pink ribbons on their tails." Gaius,
a slave from Gaul (and another known redneck) jumped into the
grandstand and answered Mr. Cornelius' charges with a flying
head butt. The fight was on and ignited sections of the crowd
(always in the mood for a good riot) and a close quarters,
hand to hand brawl erupted which spilled onto the streets of
Rome.
Dear Ma,
Please send bail money.
Your son,
Billy Joe Bob Be afraid Ancient World.....be very afraid.
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