ATTILA THE HUN
THE WORLD'S FIRST REDNECK
Germania, Cornellia Cornelius
The Scourge of God - Attila and his Huns have been called this from the first time they exploded onto the historical scene. Attila maintained his image as a barbaric outsider long after Germanic warlords had been incorporated into the Empire, instead he became the archetypical Barbarian.
Riding out of the great steppes of Asia, they struck fear into the Germanic peoples and into the heart of Rome herself and appeared to many to be the Horsemen of the Apocalypse, the calamity that would precede the Second Coming. No one represents the unbridled fury and savagery of barbarism as much as Attila the Hun.
Why was this so? Why was this man, who never took his people into the Roman Empire to settle into their villas, who never became absorbed into the Latin way of life so able to adversely affect Western psyche that he has remained forever the stuff of nightmares?
Was it because they ripped through the Danube's defenses?
Was it because they forced an emperor to sue for peace and pay tribute?
No.....it was because Attila was something far more frightening than any of that.
Attila was...........
The World's First Redneck
Let's examine the evidence.
Priscus tells us that Attila favored the plainest of native dress....among which can be found the chuha, kacagany/kartugan or fur mantle.
You know you're a redneck when you own a homemade fur coat!
Ammianus Marcellinus described their savage customs:
........they are so little advanced in their civilization that they make no use of fire, nor any kind of relish, in the preparation of their food, but feed upon roots which they find in the fields, and the half-raw flesh of any sort of animal.
Now, that definitely describes a redneck who's modern equivalent still is not much farther advanced in their civilization, the evidence of which speaks volumes. These are people who:
Saved lots of money on their honeymoon by going deer hunting.
Think pork and beans are a gourmet food.
Have a stuffed possum somewhere in their house.
Who's only condiment on the dining table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
Actually know which leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
Have actually raked leaves in their kitchen.
Ammianus goes on to say that the Huns eat their meet half raw because "they give it a kind of cooking by placing it between their own thighs and the backs of their horses......
Bingo....today's modern equivalent thinks the best way to keep things cold is to leave 'em in the shade.
In 447 AD, Attila advanced through Illyria and devastated the whole region between the Black and the Mediterranean seas.
Rednecks would always prefer to burn their yard than mow it. The Huns were reknowned horsemen, spurring their small mounts on with whips and wore goatskin chaps to protect their legs from the sharp blades of long steppe grass. That leaves us with one question.....what are raids anyway but really....really...really BIG rodeos!
One of history's most peculiar scandals gave Attila a justification for war with the Western Emperor. Honoria, the sister of Valentinian, had been apparently discovered having an affair with her steward in 449. The unfortunate lover was executed and Honoria was kept in seclusion. It is said that in a rage, she smuggled a ring and a message to Attila asking him to become her champion. He took this as a marriage proposal and asked for half the Western Empire as her dowry. Valentinian said no.
Apparently her brother realized one unescapable truth about rednecks as in-laws......you can't hide 'em from your friends.
When Attila crossed the Rhine, he claimed that he merely sought by force what was his by right of betrothal. The two forces, Hun and Roman clashed in a massive battle somewhere in Champagne called the Catalaunian Plains or locus Mauriacus in June, 451 AD. The ensuing battle lasted all day with the Romans and Visigoths only gaining the upper hand toward the end of the day throwing the Huns back down the hill. Theodoric, the Visigoth king, was killed and angered by his death, the Visigoths hit the Huns with renewed energy. Many of the Huns and their allies fled with Attila and the body of his army retreated behind the wagons of their encampment.
The next day, each side awoke, made a lot of noise about making a last stand but in the end, everyone found an excuse to be somewhere else.
Before Attila could pursue his planned campaign
against Constantinople that would forever insure the tribute of the
Romans, he stopped to celebrate the addition of another woman to his
harem. The actual cause of his demise may be disputed....was it poison?
Was it a stroke? Was it a nosebleed? We may never know but what we do know
is that he'd overindulged in food and drink and was passed out drunk at
the time of his death.
And if that's not a redneck way to die, I don't know what is!
SEXUALITY AND CULTURE OF
THE ANCIENT WORLD
Celtia, Anaceri Averni
I was originally going to do this article on the laws and culture of the Celts in regards to sexuality and how they compared to the other ancient world cultures, but I could not find a much as I hoped and time was running out.
The few things I do know, is that according to Peter Berresforord Ellis, the early Celts did not have many problems in regards to a person's sexuality. Women had more liberty compared to such cultures as the Romans or the Greeks. Mythical stories such as the Morrigan laying with the Dagda and then later attempting to seduce Cuchulainn, point to the possiblity that women of the early Celts had freedom in choosing their lovers as much as the men did. In regards to choice of partner, I remember reading on a site I'd found while web surfing that as long as the two lovers in question were of age, there wasn't any problem. It was only when someone was not of age that there were serious problems. That was about the only reference I could find.
I found tons on Greeks and Romans, lots and lots of eye-popping information in fact. Apparently Roman society had a decidely aggresive and macho outlook on sexuality. Hmm, I wonder if they figured that they could conquer their opponents or those they considered as weaker in every way? Greek myths as Apiladey pointed out, had many interesting stories with sexual references such as Zeus' many escapades as well as Aphrodite's. In matters of choice for both cultures, my impression is that for producing children, prefereably sons, that it was important to marry so long as the male was dominant he remained respectable. Gee that's fair isn't it? Youths of course were also idealized in both cultures but with the Greeks, a youth was to be wooed. Apilady also told me that in Babylon a woman's rite of passage happened when a female presented herself at the Temple of Ishtar as aprostitute. Here I am assuming that this must have been a sacred role and a special time in a woman's life.
I suppose being deflowered must have been a big event, sort of like a
wedding only by then at least the woman would know what to expect. All in
all, compared to modern day, many of the ancient societies in one way or
another held some sacredness to sexuality and a respect for it. Too bad
many of us today seem to have forgotten that, we could all do with a dose
of respect or something like it.
THE STORY OF UNCLE
ENKIDU
PART ONE
Babylon, Leah Enkidu
Since doing your family tree is all the rage now. I decided to do mine and found out I am related to the Great Enkidu, himself!
My Uncle made a name for himself a few hundred years ago. Some of it was a little embarressing but most of it was good. Its seems Gilgamesh was throwing his weight around making people angry by deflowering virgins on their wedding night. The people of Uruk cried out to the gods for a savior, a counterpart to Gilgamesh of equal strength.
So the goddess Aruru created Enkidu, the wildman. Enkidu hung out with the animals,he lapped water out of lakes and streams like the animals, he ate like the animals, he played with the animals and he *ahem* slept with the animals.
Enkidu made a trapper very angry by releasing the animals he worked so hard to trap. So they get a temple girl to go in the woods and ...er...make whoopee with Uncle Enkidu for 7 days and 6 nights...!
Finally when they were done, Enkidu (like most males) tried to get up and rejoin his animal friends. But the animals shyed away from him and he found his knees were too stiff, and he couldn't run fast enough anymore to follow them.
So he went back to the girl (figures he only comes around when he's in trouble and needs help!) who gave him a piece of her robe to wear (while he was wildman, he wore no clothes, he was too hairy to need them). Then she anointed his body with oil and all of his hair fell off (just what kind of oil was this?)
She then led him back to Uruk. Gilgamesh was about to enter another marriage chamber,to deflower yet another virgin, when Enkidu sprung up and barred his way. The two began wrestling fiercely and shouting foul curses at one another. The two wrestled, and grappled in the streets of the town for the better part of a day before Enkidu finally conceded defeat
Gilgamesh then kissed Enkidu and declared the two
of them to be inseparable friends.
Stay tuned for Part Two in the next issue.
