(Hibernica, quaestor of Sicilia, is sitting in his office. He is surrounded by a few beautiful female slaves. One is feeding him grapes, one is giving him a shoulder rub, and one is massaging his feet).

Hibernica: Ah, it's great being a quaestor when your praetor doesn't even pay attention to you. I can just sit back, relax, and just sit my year out, ha ha ha! Laugh with me, ladies.

Slave girls: Ha ha ha ha.

Hibernica: Ah, I love good company. (Looks at his desk, which has some paper work on it). Hmm, what's this? (picks the paper work up and looks at it). Oh, dear.

Slave girl #1: What is wrong, oh large membered one?

Hibernica: It seems here that Publius Claudius Nero was supposed to met with Praetor Auricomus. I wonder when that was supposed to be.

Slave girl #2: Um, oh most handsome master? That was a couple of weeks ago. Actually, the Great Hero Nero was patiently waiting outside here every single day to be seen, but it seems that you were busy.

Hibernica: He was?

Slave girl #2: Well, he was patient for the first seven days he was waiting here, but then he started getting all red in the face, and then....

Hibernica: Oh, yes, that would explain the large hole in the wall over there that we just had fixed. Are you saying that Nero did that himself, with his bare hands?

Slave girl #3: Yes, the rage of Nero is great and....exciting (turns away, swooning slightly).

Hibernica: Huh. Oh well, at least I wasn't around here for that! Ha ha ha ha. Laugh, ladies!

Slave girls: Ha ha ha ha ha!

(All of a sudden, the hole that was just fixed in the wall bursts open, revealing two familiar figures).

Hibernica: (sits up startled) What the hell? I thought Nero was gone!

Magister T: NO FOOL! IT'S ME, MAGISTER T, AND MY SIDEKICK, ASTERIX!

Asterix: I am NOT a sidekick.

Magister T: SHUT UP, FOOL!

Hibernica: What are the both of you doing here? Can't you see I'm busy?

Magister T: BUSY WITH WHAT, DISRESPECTING WOMEN? I SHOULD CONTACT A COUPLE OF MY AMAZON FRIENDS TO COME OVER HERE AND TEACH YOU SOME MANNERS! WE'RE HERE BECAUSE WE HAVE A MESSAGE FROM YOUR BROTHER!

Hibernica: Well, what is it?

(Asterix pulls out a parchment, clears his throat, and begins to read).

Asterix: (ahem hem).

"My Dearest Brother,

"I hope that all is well. Word has reached here that my friend and ally (and therefore, YOUR friend and ally) Publius Claudius Nero has been hopping mad because you evidently did not let your superior know of his arrival. Were I more naive, I would think that you were sick, or that you had some other perfectly good excuse for such a glaring oversight.

"However, as I know you, you're probably trying to get as little work done as possible, and you seem to think that your post is just something to drink, fornicate, and get stoned through. Perhaps this is just you letting off some steam after two hard years of work in the aedileship, but if it is then you picked a bad time to be remiss in your duties.

"May I remind you that Publius Claudius Nero is one of the most important, famous, and well-loved men in Rome today? You are NOT to just misunderstand, or think his requests for dinner are duplicate copies!

"May I also remind you that just because I'm First Man, and just because many members of our family are in government right now, that this is not some nepotistic oligarchy that tolerates, let alone accepts, dereliction of duty!"

Hibernica: Ulp!

Magister T: WAIT, IT GETS BETTER!

Asterix:

"Therefore, in order to reinforce this idea of the importance of duty, and to reinforce the lesson that you should not treat such important people in a trivial manner, I have given Magister T permission to throw you. Perhaps that'll teach you a lesson.

"Mom says hello.

"Signed, Patricus Curius Hibernicus, Consular, Tribune of Plebs, Vanquisher of the German Horde of Sigeric."

Hibernica: What?! He said you could throw me?

Asterix: Well, not me, rather Magister T here.

Hibernica: But...but...but, WAIT! You can't do that (gives a smug, almost gloating, smirk). I am a public official, and my person is sacrosanct!

(Asterix hands him another parchment)

Hibernica: What's this? (begins to read)

"I, Marcus Fulvius Sesquiculum, the most fabulous Pontifex Maximus ever, hereby give dispensation the chief bodyguard Magister T full permission to throw Gaius Curius Hibernica, for the crime that he has been remiss in his duties. Magister T may throw the aforesaid wayward praetor no more than three miles, on condition that the fall will not cause any permanent harm.

"Signed, Marcus Fulvius Sesquiculum, Pontifex Maximus. Co-signed, Publius Cornelius Scipio Africanus, Princeps Senatus. Co-co-signed P. Curius Hibernicus, Tribune of the Plebs. Co-co-co-signed Cnaeus Sempronius Brutticus, Praetor of Narbonensis."

Brutticus? What did I ever do to him?!

Asterix: You had the bad habit of always forgetting to enter his gladiators into the fights.

Hibernica: Oh.....right.

Magister T: (sighs with satisfaction) IT'S SO NICE KNOWING THAT I CAN DO THIS WITH FULL GOVERNMENT PERMISSION. MAKES ME ALMOST PATRIOTIC, KNOWING THAT I'M AM ABOUT TO SERVE AS A PUBLIC OFFICIAL.

Hibernica: Wait, no! I can explain!

Magister T: THE ONLY EXPLAINING YOU'LL BE DOING IS TO MY FRIEND PAIN! SAY HELLO, SUCKA!!!!!

(Magister T picks him up and throws him....far).

Asterix: Wow, he screams like a little girl when being thrown.

Magister T: (in as academic a tone of voice as he can get) SEE THAT? THE HANG TIME ON THE BODY AS IT SAILS THROUGH THE AIR? THAT SHOULD GO AROUND ABOUT THE TWO AND A HALF MILE MARK. I WAS AIMING FOR A DUNGHEAP NEAR THE PRAETORIAL PALACE, SO HE SHOULD BE FINE!

Slave girls: But what about us? Now we have no one to pamper.

(Asterix and Magister T look at each other and smile, then look at the ladies, who smile...).

(Scene Two: A dungheap outside of the praetorial palace. A voice from far away can be heard, getting louder as it approaches. One can make out the words....)

Hibernica: OHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHHHHHHHHHHHHIT!

(Hibernica lands in the dungheap, sticks his head out, and realise he's being urinated on. He looks up, and find that it's the Praetorial Horse, with Praetor Arminius Terentius Auricomus sitting on top of it).

Auricomus: Ah, quaestor! I see that Magister T has carried out directions as laid out to him by the Ponitfex Maximus? Good. Now, I have a room full of paperwork for you in my offices that I need you to catch up on. There's a good lad....

(Auricomus rides away, with Hibernica looking chagrined....).


OOC: Sorry for falling down on the job, guys. Am currently in the last month before final submission of my PhD, so have been really busy.